Yesterday I discussed my seemingly unorthodox views on sharing. It invited a great discussion if you want to check it out. This is one of those areas that is merely a parental philosophy that not every one will agree on. Some parents require children to follow sharing rules and take turns with possessions. Other parents choose not to use what feels to them like a coercion tactic. BOTH parents I think want the same thing though…children who are generous and cooperative with other people and assign more importance to people than things. I hope my post on the flaws with the forced sharing mandate illustrate that there is NOTHING wrong with sharing…I have just chosen a different path to the same goal…one that I feel empowers my kids. Maybe this is my world view peeking out. I don’t believe societal ills and selfishness are the result of indulgance by parents, although that may certainly be the case some times. I see these problems as a result of low self esteem and self worth, and inability to show love for other people when they don’t love themselves and see in themselves power for good.
Another area where parents seem to disagree is punitive discipline. Many parents swear by time-outs and other punitive measures when children misbehave. Other parents feel that coercing good behavior with guilt and unpleasant consequences is not an effective teaching tool. I tend to fall to agree more with the second line of thinking…that children will behave better when they feel better and that punishments don’t necessarily teach the lesson we want them to.
So where I am going with this? Well, I have been reading a book by someone I really admire, Jane Nelsen Ed.D. She has written and co-written several wonderful books and the one I have been devouring is Positive Discipline for Preschoolers – Raising Children Who Are Responsible, Respectful, and Resourceful. What I love about the whole concept of positive discipline is that it really encourages parents to be empathetic. It makes you look at traditional ways of dealing with misbehavior and seeing how it may have some effects that we never bargained for. When we send a child to time-out in the corner for example do we think about how we would feel if we were in a social setting and another person became upset with us and made us go sit away from everyone else? Would we be upset to be cast aside like that? Would we feel hurt? Would we feel like we were somehow bad because we failed to meet that person’s expectations? Would we sit there and think about how we can become better or would we sit there and think about how we are a failure?
An early section in this book addresses time-outs and suggests trying positive time-outs or as some people like to call them, time-ins. A positive time-out allows for cooling off for both parent and child. Take the child to a cool down place and stay there with them to work things out peacefully.
One mom told me that her time-in place is a corner where they have pillows and a music player and they sit and play soft music while they talk things out. Another mom I know takes her child to the hugging corner and yet another mom I met online has an easel set up with paper and crayons and when she takes her kids to time-in they are asked to draw a picture of what they feeling…anger, sadness, sleepiness, etc. Then they discuss how they can get what they want in the future without the behavior they displayed earlier.
I like how these tactics are not coercive and they still manage to teach and discipline without making a child feel bad about themselves.
In the Positive Discipline book, Ms. Nelsen recalls how a teacher had a time-in section in her classroom. She filled it with fluffy pillows and cuddly toys and named it Antarctica. Any child could choose to go to Antarctica whenever they need to cool off. It was really a clever way of taking the negative connotations of time-out or the corner and made it whimsical and meaningful. It also taught them a valuable skill…retreating to cool off when we are loosing our cool with someone or a situation and are about to do or say something we shouldn’t. Can I have an Antarctica corner?? LOL.
Well, actually I LOVED this idea so much I think I want to make an Antarctica Cool Off Zone in our home so I started looking for things to make/decorate one. And the cool thing about using Antarctica as the focus is that you could really help reinforce climate change and ecological values as well. Its all good. Here is 
some stuff I found, bookmarked, or already have that would be perfect for our Antarctica Cool Off Zone.
* Folkmanis Puppets Polar Bear CubPuppet Plush Toy – Gotta have polar bears in our Antarctica/Chilly/Snowy room. This one is a cuddly puppet that has won 2 children’s toy awards. YES…I know polar bears don’t live in antarctica but stuffed polar bears are much more cuddly than a penguin so we have to have polar bears.
* Plush Baby Emperor Penguin – My kids are crazy about penguins and they are an arctic creature so they deserve a home here too.
* Hugg-a-Planet Pillow – We really like and use our huggable earth pillow here. The kids hold it and lay on it during story time, we use it during homeschool geography lessons, and it has spurred some great conversations about how people live in other countries.
* ImagiPlay Puzzles – We have a few of these and they are really fun. They have two that perfect for a chill out room…a polar bear puzzle and a penguin and chick puzzle.
* For the floor maybe a sheepskin rug to give the appearance of snow. A white flannel sheet would work too. And of course lots of fluffy white pillows everywhere.
* Snowflakes can be made out of paper we have aorund the house…my kids love making them. You can also buy some pre-made and they can used for winter/christmas decor too.
* A snowflake Kaleidoscope would be cool too. I couldn’t find one at Amazon though. Just this classic tin version.
* A big Antarctica wall map.
* Books that would be a good addition:
How One Little Polar Bear Captivated The World (Knut)
The Last Polar Bear: Facing the Truth of a Warming World
Seals And Sea Lions (The Living Ocean)
Sounds like fun huh? I just love creative parenting ideas! Thanks to Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline for Preschoolers for inspiring the idea.
Thank you for the book recommendation. I just ordered it. My current favorite in that same line of thought is “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk”
You might be interested in “Love and Logic” our school uses it for discipline and offers parenting classes on it as well. I don’t believe in forced sharing, I think it causes a child to cling more tightly to their most loved possessions. We should teach them to want to share by showing them the benefits of sharing. Kids should be allowed to have something that is important to them and that they can care for. If forced to share, they tend to disconnect and not care for anything. Maybe this is one of our societal problems! People who don’t care for or respect their own things, don’t care for other peoples things, maybe this is why we have vandalism, robberies, etc…
I LOVE these ideas! Thanks for recommending the book. I want to add that I love reading your blog and with the exception of one time, I am generally lock step in agreement with you. :)
I love ideas to help my children feel good about themselves and the world around them.
FYI, there are no polar bears in Antarctica.
I’m sure it’s just the thought of arctic wildlife and chill zone. Perhaps it would make you happier if she said Arctic climate chill zone with maps from the north pole, northern AK, Siberia, northern Canada, as well as Antarctica? :)
I am also agree with you there is noting wrong in sharing rather it helps in lots of decision making.
brianna
I love the cool-off corner idea! We’ve been doing time outs, but I go with him and we count together so be both can cool off. Maybe he sees it as punative, but it’s seeming to work for both of us to diffuse a situation. He’s only 2 though so I feel kinda limited as to what I can do to help encourage appropriate behavior.
Tiffany,
I love the Love and Logic program. Not everything works for every child. Positive discipline isn’t something that works well for my son. It just doesn’t. I want it to. I try but he just has to learn the hard way sometimes. I empathize, I hear him and I recite back to him what I hear him say but that doesn’t correct his bad behavior and teach him anything by just cooling off. We have to actually have a consequence and sometimes more then one. Then he gets it. For example, he threw a fit in the store. We left. Next time we went to the store he couldn’t come, grandma came to watch him. He was sad. He had to be reminded of his behavior and fit the time before and that his consequence was not going to the store. He didn’t do it again. It was a logical consequence but it taught him a lesson. Love and Logic is a great program and many school systems are using it.
I’ve read the book your writing about and I agree, it’s great! The cool off method is wonderful and worked so well when I taught. It just wouldn’t jive with my son.
Rick, There ARE polar bears in MY Antarctica. ;)
Sommer,
I don’t view consequences as really the same thing. If my child throws a fit in the store and we have to leave then it is a natural consquence IMO that they I won’t want to take them next time…it not a punishment it is just the way I feel based on our experience last time and I am entitled to my feelings. We would dicuss it and I would go without him/her. Next time we would discuss and try again.
Natural consequences are a-okay.
I so agree. Natural consequences are the best, it’s the world teaching, not us parents, forcing a lesson.
My son, who is on theASD spectrum, responds well to the natural consequences. I can state for him,
Do you understand/see/feel that I am not angry that ” you lost the remote/left toy in the rain ..etc” You chose to do “____” this is the result ( I use the word result more than consequence.. somewhere along the line consequence became a negative word for him) If you don’t like this result, here’s what can be done different next time.
I bet you’ve got eskimos too!
Although it brings up a potentially entertaining theme “virtual McMurdo Station”. You could have pictures of the station, books about it, pictures of Antarctic weather, etc.
Wow! I’d want to get in trouble just so I could spend some time in that corner! :-)
Enjoyed this post!
Book sounds wonderful,like to give it a read.The cool off spot sounds like a lovely idea,and using it with double meaning is a really great idea! Thanks for the book info.
I’m going to check out that book . I love your Antartica cool off zone. So cool ! hehe Have you read Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn ?
I don’t have Punished by Rewards. I do have Unconditional Parenting though by Alfie Kohn.
I read all the comments on sharing and I still come back to where you are with it. When my son was 5, I was teaching him forced sharing and he did really well. I don’t know what was in his heart but he shared. One day a neighbor child (an only child while my son has a younger sister – if it matters) came over and demolished a LEGO project that took my son a few days and 69 pages of instruction to put together. My son was furious, but he just clenched his fists at his side and growled (using his safe hands and no words at all since he had no kind words). The other kid’s parent was upset by my son’s reaction and had a “you need to learn to share” huff and stormed out of the house. I suggested my son apologize which he did chasing the mom down the sidewalk. The parent refused the apology.
This was a HUGE parenting failure on my part. Not all things are equal and discretion is also an important life lesson. Additionally, boundaries are important and people were abusing my son’s adherence to rules for rules sake. Now I’m teaching a little bit of civil disobedience. My son is allowed to set things aside that are not for sharing unless he wants to share. My son is not forced to apologize just to keep the peace either. I think I did him a grave disservice.
I get a little something from most of the parenting books that I read even when I don’t agree with huge portions of it. What I learned from _How to Behave so Your Child Will Too_ brought home for me the importance of leading by example, which I already knew, but you have to be able to set the example even when you’re angry.
Tiffany,
I get what you’re saying. Have you read Love and Logic or checked it out on line? The idea is natural consequences.
Sommer I have the book…never read it. LOL. Too many books not enough time.
Rebecca, thanks for sharing that story. It really does demonstrate how the sharing mandate can easily lead to our children being a doormat for other people.
I don’t believe in forcing a child’s apology either.
Thanks so much for this post. I’m definitely getting this book. I’m at my wits end with my 3.5 year old. Time-outs and consequences worked like a charm for my oldest son, but he’s a natural born people pleaser. My 3.5 yr. old is definitely not. They will both grow up to have their individual strengths (and weaknesses) as we all do. But boy is he a challenge. I’m thinking the time-in route might be a better way to go. It’s worth a try for sure!
I love this idea. We have a corner with an armchair where my babygirl and I go to sit whenever either of us needs to calm down a bit. It doesn’t have a theme and you have given me inspiration to think of one – since in my language ‘cooling off’ doesn’t have the same connotation as in English, I will have to think of something other than Antarctica, but that’s a sweet challenge.
I like the continuity between your posts and I still keep thinking about your previous article. Thanks for taking the time for all the follow-up explanations.
Yet another wonderful blog. I LOVE the idea of having an in-house Antarctica and plan to start setting ours up today. My kids definitely understand the idea of needing cooling off and will love having a special place to do it.
Also, although I have taught sharing up to now, I much prefer your idea of teaching cooperation. You’re so right—I don’t HAVE to share my stuff and my kids shouldn’t have to share theirs either.
Thanks for “sharing” your insights on time-in and sharing.
Great post! Featured and Stumbled!
Interesting post, it sure does give us a lot to think about. I would venture to say most of us are parenting without much good example from our own parents, so this is difficult to learn. I hope my children will walk away as adults knowing I loved them, and did the best I could, and then improve on that with their children
With 7 kids to take care of, I do agree indeed that sometimes disciplining the whole lot of them could be extremely daunting. Also, kids dislike being punished using traditional methods, especially so if these amount to things that kids do not understand, and so equate “disciplining” to “doing something bad” to “getting caught”. Kids could do bad things without getting caught and not getting disciplined – all important lessons are kinda lost in translation by that too.
I could say that I have a more traditional view with sharing, but I also think that sometimes, kids get shortchanged whenever they face situations that “mandates” them to share or be accommodating to other people. Likewise, I really like the idea of giving them timeouts that wouldn’t make the child feel really bad about what he did, and so not learn why he is being put there. But I do wonder if this would instead make the kid want to become even more of a challenge – that if he did something bad, he gets to be in this cool, wonderful place. Haha! But we could all try to modify the Antarctica zone can we? It’s what we moms are always good at!
Such an eloquent post and I agree completely. So many problems we see today are a result of kids having extremely low self esteem that has nothing to do with parental praise. It has everything to do with recognizing the strengths and capabilities of each child and showing that child the respect you expect them to show to you and others, accordingly.
If we can achieve that there is no need to force “unnatural” behaviors on children. They should as a matter of good upbringing, be respectful, caring and cooperative people.
The cooling off zone is a clever idea. We started “Teddy Time” in our house. Things usually start falling apart when the kids are tired or frustrated, and teddies are calming. I’m teaching my kids to recognize when situations/emotions are getting out of hand and they can yell “Teddy Time!” and remove themselves to get some loveys. It’s time for them to be alone or snuggle with a parent and their lovey. Since my kids can’t seem to get enough new loveys, I might get a couple of polar bears or penguins and suggest they can “cool off” during Teddy Time (especially since teddy bears are actually rarely used).
To touch on the subject of apologies and sharing, we talk about what they and the other person are feeling when issues come up. It’s especially great for apologies, which need to be made when Teddy Time doesn’t come fast enough! I have them check on the other person, to see if they are OK. It usually leads to a hug and an apology. It’s a more natural way and caring way than a forced apology, I think.