I admire attachment parenting philosophy quite a bit and that is primarily what guided me when my babes were little. I have mentioned in the past though that my endeavor to be a good, attached parent kind of lead me to a place were I was lost, frazzled, and on the verge of a divorce. I felt like I was a slave to my kids every need and only now with more modern books on AP, like Mayim Bialik’s Beyond the Sling am I seeing warnings to make sure that marital and personal relationships as well as career not be sacrificed to the AP Gods. It is really easy to let AP or other similar parenting philosophies turn into permissive parenting with the parents being afraid to be the authority in their own homes.

And yet despite my love of AP, some of my authoritarian upbringing always popped up and it made me feel selfish and guilty. Should I really just be flat out saying no to this request or should I be looking for a compromise that will show that I am respecting my child’s wishes and desires as an individual? Should I be down on the floor playing Legos with my child to show I am a playful parent or is it okay to do what feels right to me…which is require him/her to self entertain (and quietly) so I can enjoy a cup of tea and a phone call with an old friend? I was constantly questioning how instinct was leading me to react/parent/discipline and how I felt I “should” be parenting because this or that book on AP or cooperative parenting said I should.

In hindsight I wish I had just listened to my instincts more. This is not because I think I made mistakes (though I am sure they are many) but rather because I let parenting become my career and my life as a stay at home mom and my self worth became largely wrapped up in that. With two boys on the autism spectrum that is just a recipe for disaster. It was only after my family almost broke in half that I realized that if mama isn’t happy and satisfied in her own personal and professional life…no one is going to be happy.

I decided to make it my goal to take the upcoming year (2011) and devote it to self care. I didn’t ignore my kids or my husband but I carved out time for myself each and every day, sometimes several hours of the day and did stuff just for me. I went to the library, I went to the movies, I got pedicures and manicures, I went to the gym 4-5 days week, I went thrift store shopping, and I refused to take kids with me if I didn’t want to. Heck, I took a solo two-day vacation and have another booked in a couple months. Previously, I always hated it when I heard women say they were trying to find themselves but I understood it perfectly after that year was up. The pre-child me, who had many and varied interests, was back in full force.

Anyway, that was a really long winded intro to telling you about a parenting book I recently read and throughly enjoyed.  The book is Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. It was written by Pamela Druckerman, who is an American living in France and raising three kids there. She wrote the book after seeing how much differently American children behave than French Children. While her 18 month old was bouncing off the walls in a French restaurant and making her consider eating at home forever more, the French babies and children were happy and chatty yet largely docile. French parents were not frazzled and stressed, instead they seemed to really enjoy parenting. After finding a study that showed American parents were twice as likely to consider themselves unhappy with child care when compared to French parents Druckerman decided she wanted to know what French parents were doing differently.

I must say that I absolutely loved the book and it gave me so much food for thought. So much about AP and other child centric parenting philosophies, like radical unschooling, lead parents to focus on the needs and wants of their children to the exclusion of everything else. Radical unschooling even boasts the idea that you never say “no ” to your child…you always find a way to say “yes”. Hearing no will kill their spirits or something. French parents also believe that children should be respected and their wishes honored but only in balance with the needs and wishes of everyone else in the household. French parents believe in teaching their children from infancy how to exhibit self control and deal appropriately with frustration and the dreaded “non” or “no”. The reason those French babies and children were not acting up in the restaurant is because they had already had many months or years or training to wait and be “sage” or in control of himself or herself. And rather than being dull and sparkless children you get happy children who also have amazing manners and self control. This is in contrast to the American idea that exerting that kind of influence or restricting our kids in such a way will kill their spirit and crush them emotionally.

The French seem very rigid and structured in many ways and yet they also believe in letting their children devote time to nothing but pleasures and fun. They believe in speaking to their children respectfully and like they would any other adult, even from the time they are infants because they believe that all babies are rational and capable of learning. That aspect is very AP friendly even if some of their other ideas are not (no co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, etc.). In many ways they are AP parents who just never let the the household become child centric in any fashion and parents who are not afraid to be the authority in their homes. And amazingly enough all the French seem to be on the same page with this. The way the French children are parented at home is the same way they are cared for in government run creches (or daycare), which sound amazing BTW. If France is what right-wing Americans have in mind when they talk about socialism, then we need lots and lots more of that evil socialism please!!!

Overall I think the book has a lot of value and the arguments made for stricter households, proper manners, and not becoming a slave to your children are well worth the read. I didn’t agree with everything of course, such as not breastfeeding past 3 months, but most of it I quite heartily agreed with. It was also a true pleasure to read. How many parenting books keep you up at night long past bedtime?? A resounding A++ and I really hope there will a follow up that deals with parenting French teens, since I am one year away from that milestone.

equilibre (eh-key-lee-bruh) – Balance. Not letting any one part of life – including being a parent –  overwhelm the other parts.

Refreshing.

Our life with autism… I don’t talk about this subject much and that is because it is very uncomfortable for me. It means walking a fine line between sharing my life and sharing too much about my children, who deserve privacy. It also means letting my dirty laundry air, so to speak, and admitting to everyone that our family life isn’t pretty. Hopefully I can tread well with this post and not think I need to go back and edit out various parts. ;)

This past week has been a roller coaster ride of emotion for me. I had a very long chat on the phone with one of the school psychologists who will be working with my youngest son during his transition to Kindergarten this Fall. I will also meet with her and some of the others who will likely be working with him, this morning. I think she wanted to prepare me to hear some difficult things but this has actually been a long time coming. My youngest (6) has been in a special needs preschool program for three years now. He has a speech therapist and an occupational therapist. We have not yet sought that official medical diagnosis but I have known for a very long time what the problem is…autism. With a 12 year old autistic son we know well what it looks like. At any rate the psychologist told me that he would most likely be getting an “educational diagnosis” of autism from the school, so that they could plan his IEP and services accordingly.

I was disheartened to hear that he has actually regressed quite a bit this year and it confirmed what I also noticed. The boy who could count to the mid teens last year is lucky if he can count to five now. His hyperactivity has increased and his ability to follow directions has decreased. His temper flares are getting worse even if his social interaction is getting better. He has many, many challenges to face and they are very different than what our other autistic son faces. It was this “new territory” that has made me want to read up on autism spectrum disorders more.

Both our boys have two very prominent common denominators and #1 is social awkwardness. They do not know how to read social cues, pick up on how others are feeling or reacting to them, or communicate and make friends with other kids easily. This makes them the “weird” kid in school. What comes so natural to many kids, the ability to interact and connect with others, is hellish and frustrating. It also means it is easy for them to be either the bully or the bullied. My oldest has been both. My youngest has also been bullied but so far cannot even recognize that he is being persecuted. They are just THAT out of touch with social situations.

#2 is devotion or obsession with certain hobbies and topics to the exclusion of everything else. With my oldest it might be fishing or paintball. With my youngest it is dinosaurs. These are the only things they want to talk about and can do so for hours, literally, much to the frustration of other kids they come into contact with. Because of issue #1 they never understand that give and take requires them to actually talk about other people’s interests too. It just never occurs to them that others may not like these subjects or not want to listen to a two hour lecture about them. As far as they are concerned the world revolves around them and their interests.

There are also numerous differences in their disorders though. My youngest paces, waking back and forth across rooms constantly, for hours at a stretch. He will pace until he literally collapses in exhaustion. My oldest makes wild hand gestures and clicking sounds. He will also emit high pitched screams out of the blue and for no reason. He is often not even aware that he did it. The 6 year old has to micro manage every detail of his day, picking the exact episode of Team Umizoomi he has to watch and the exact food he must eat and will choose not to eat if you don’t have what he wants. The 12 year old has a fear of crowds and will insist on wearing hooded jackets even in summer so he can “hide” from other people in crowded areas. All of this makes daily life challenging but ironically this is the easy stuff.

Our oldest boy has issues with being violent and abusive. He has ODD as well as autism. We have tried counselors and psychiatrists and we even tried medication for a brief spell. I often tell people it is like living with an abusive spouse only it is your child. I have been tackled to the ground in the past but more frequently I am called every horrible name in the world. Asking this child to do the dishes will result in a 10 minute tirade about how I am too stupid, lazy, and disgusting to do anything for myself. In general he seems to have very misogynistic attitudes about women and his sister is also a victim of his horrible commentary.

On the plus side though this kid is wicked smart. Even at 12 years old he can tinker around with electronics and fix them. He recently fixed the mood lighting in our conversion van. He builds amazing things with blocks and Legos and he is way beyond his grade level in science and math. When he is actually interested in something he is also a very hard worker.

My youngest son is a very lovey dovey and prefers women to men. Although I think he has learned a bit too much from his older sibling of late. His quirks are much more manageable in comparison but I think he will ultimately be considered academically handicapped.

How in the heck do you handle two very difficult boys with very different manifestations of this same disorder????? I liked the 8 guideposts from Raising Resilient Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders:

• Teaching and conveying empathy
• Using empathetic communication and listening actively
• Accepting our children for who they are – conveying unconditional love and setting realistic expectations
• Nurturing islands of competence
• Helping children learn rather than feel deflated by mistakes
• Teaching children to solve problems and make sound decisions
• Disciplining in ways that promote self discipline and self worth
• Developing responsibility, compassion, and social conscious

The book has a lengthy chapter to discuss each and they were incredibly helpful. I struggle with finding ways to show that I accept my boys for who they are without also giving them the impression that I accept certain unsavory behaviors or “tics”. I also struggle with empathy when I am feeling attacked, as I often am.

The only thing I would have liked to see is info on how to become more resilient as a parent because I think that is “key” to dealing with children with these kinds of issues. You have to be in a good mental and physical place yourself in order to devote the kind of energy it requires. Two years ago I literally felt like I was drowning with the stress of being a mom to these two special boys. My husband has always worked over the road, or second/third shifts so I have essentially been single parenting for the majority of the week for years. I had a wake up call that spurred me to join a gym and start taking time away for myself more often. I decided it was time to get a bit selfish and demand time for myself. It was literally the best thing ever. Once I felt better, I coped better and I parented better.

Typically I avoid reading autism books because I think I deal enough with these issues every single day but this book really helped me work through some things in my mind and I would like to find more. Do you have any autism book recommendations for me?

The book, Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way, was such a breath of fresh air and I enjoyed it so much that I had to share. I devoured and enjoyed every morsel of this book from start to finish, even chapters that discussed baby stuff I will likely never be confronted with again until I have grandchildren. Actually this book really had part of me really longing to have another kiddo so I can experience some things I wasn’t that receptive to when my youngins were babes, like elimination communication. Yet by the end of the book I was sighing in contentment because I still have lots of my parenting journey left and we are in a place now where we can enjoy it without the sleep deprivation. ;)

The opening chapters go into what you can expect to learn and why this is such an important issue. Mayim takes her background in neuroscience and shows that attachment parenting not only makes sense logically, it is based in science as well. There are many scientific reasons and many biological reasons to parent this way and often that gets overlooked by those who would claim attachment parenting is too granola touchy, feely or prone to raising dependent brats. The science does not agree with these latter ideas… at all. Lots of good information to be had here for when you run across naysayers.

The chapters on natural childbirth, breastfeeding, constant holding, co-sleeping, potty learning, etc were all a little irrelevant for me, even though I do still have a six year old in my bed. I loved reading these chapters anyway though. I think this book would have been pretty darn near the perfect book for me back when I became a mom for the first time and I will be recommending it to all the moms-to-be that I come across. I also loved that it is a look inside the life this family unit and it holds nothing back. Being an attached parent can be very isolating in the first few years because you are essentially devoting your life to the very valid needs of your child who wants to nurse on demand, be held constantly, sleep in your arms, and otherwise be the center of your world. You also tend to stay away from social settings where others might try to make your parenting values seem bizarre. Getting to read about another mom experiencing all of this makes you feel less alone.

From here the books goes into consumerism and toys, media in the home, medical interventions, letting kids be kids, and gentle discipline. LOVED it all! There wasn’t anything that I recall that I disagreed with. In fact I think I must have looked like a bobble head with all the head shaking going on to show how emphatically I agreed with Mayim’s point of view on just about everything. I also loved how she kept confirming that despite her belief in these things she was by no means perfect in their practice. Many authors remind you that they are not perfect examples of what they preach and that their ideas are not meant to judge in any way but few get that message across as well and as believably as Mayim Bialik, in my opinion.

My favorite part of the book was the section on mommy needs and keeping your relationships strong. As I have said before, attachment parenting can be very difficult where balance is concerned. When you have young babies your time is devoted to them and their needs and it can be easy to forget that other relationships need nurturing as well. I was not very good about keeping this in mind and my marriage almost collapsed a couple times during those early years. Most attachment parenting books don’t even discuss this all import topic either.

I feel that when our children are young THEY should be the priority. That means breast feeding wherever and whenever baby is hungry, co-sleeping even when you’d rather have your husband all to yourself, and never letting my child cry or go without being held because I have “other things” to do. As my kids get older I think they benefit from seeing parents who love themselves, prioritize some of their own needs, make time for each other and the marital relationship, and have varied interests. As they get older they benefit less from having a shadow to meet their every need and more from seeing good examples of others doing and living for themselves. So in terms of priority for the first five or so years of their lives it was all about them. Now the priority list looks somewhat different but during those early years there were lots of things I could have done to make sure my relationship with my husband was secure and attached as well, even if it never involved a date night or even leaving the house. Thankfully I married a great man who put up with me.

So… I give this book a very enthusiastic two thumbs up and will be recommending it all around. It has sound science, great advice, logical answers to challenging questions and issues, and important information about often overlooked aspects about this style of parenting. Check it out when you have the chance!

Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way

This week the Green Moms Weekly Question addresses opposition from family and friends when you take the more granola path as a parent. The question is “What type of topics in natural parenting cause opposition among family and friends and how do you handle it?”

I think this is a really awesome question because it can be very polarizing for some people. Personally though I have had very little negative response to my parenting choices, so I count myself lucky.  There are numerous places were ones parenting choices can rub people the wrong way and incite negativity and bickering amongst family and friends though. Here are some of the more sensitive issues in my mind.

Breastfeeding – Natural moms are more likely to breastfeeding exclusively and for extended periods of time. Because breastmilk is at the forefront for a long period of time this means breastfeeding in public is often times just part of the package. Baby needs to eat when baby need to eat right? I was an unabashed public breastfeeder myself and I never once had an issue with anyone making negative comments from family, friends, or even strangers. In fact whenever chain restaurants made the news for being anti-breastfeeding I would often stage my own nurse-ins by making a special trip just to breastfeed in their place of business. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful of anyone but I did want to do my part to make breastfeeding something that people recognized as completely normal and acceptable.

Vaccines – Lots of natural parents choose not to vaccinate because of the potential side effects and all the horrendous ingredients in the vaccines themselves. I have had no trouble from other moms and my own family totally supports my choice in this matter. I have had trouble with doctors though and I do my best to show them that I am not some patsy they can push around. I am an intelligent mom who is making an informed decision and they will not change my mind.

Positive Discipline and Attachment Parenting- This can be a biggie within families sometimes. Chances are your parents or grandparents may have been raised in a family where the belt handled discipline problems or where children were supposed to be seen and not heard. This can cause issues when you decide to choose respectful and peaceful parenting.  It can get even stickier if you have a child with “issues” such as autism, hyperactivity, sensory problems, etc. Those problems were just not around so much back when our parents and grandparents were having kids so their can be lots of misunderstandings. I had few issues but if I did I only had to remember that my husband and I alone were the ones that knew our children through and through. What total strangers or extended family thought was of little consequence.

Homeschooling and Unschooling – This issue isn’t unique to natural parents by any means but lots of attached, green, natural parents are choosing to homeschool. This can be a big problem for some of our family and friends who think we are somehow doing a disservice to our children’s education by going this route. I cannot say I had total support when I chose to homeschool my oldest but in all honesty I can admit he wasn’t being best served by a home education, it was just the best we could do with what we had available at the time. But I feel for parents who struggle with negativity from friends and families about their educational choices because it can be an amazing and joyful experience for parent and child, AND they can get a great education, despite what critics say.

Cloth Diapering – When you tell people you use cloth diapers it is not uncommon to hear “Ew! Gross!” My own mom thought I was a little nuts when I told her I planned to cloth diaper my second baby but she was a quick convert when she saw how easy it was and how cool and modern cloth diapers had become. Plus I ended up sewing my own diapers and starting a very successful diaper business. I even hired her a seamstress on occasion and she became my biggest champion so it all worked out. Still it helps to have a nice diaper on hand when you tell people you cloth diaper so that you can turn those “Ews” to “Aaahs”.

Cry It Out – Mainstream parenting advice seems to favor letting your babies cry themselves to sleep. Of course it does. We live in society where mom’s convenience is prized as the most important thing but I didn’t become a mom to put all my own needs first so I never let my babies cry it out. Whenever someone gave me the advice to just let my baby cry I would tell them I am one of those newfangled “get off your butt” parents. There was little they could say after that one.

Co-Sleeping – This can be sticky too. Many people will advise parents to never let their babies into their bed or they will never get them out. All 3 of my babes slept in my bed and my nearly 6 year old still does. I have few worries (okay, no worries) that he will still be there when he is a teenager. I am not sure why co-sleeping bothers some people but I just laughed it off if anyone made comments to me.

Natural Childbirth – I think I only had one family member comment on my intention to have a natural birth and I think that comment was actually a defense of their own choice to have drugs. I wish more moms realized that it isn’t a competition. If I choose the natural route that doesn’t have anything to do with you and your choices. I say stand by your choices and make your own positive body message be heard but just realize that some will view it as criticism of their choices.

Anyway… your turn! What natural choices have you made that rocked the boat with your friends or family?

Find out how green moms Carrie and Rachel answered this question as well.

I hope this post is not too redundant since I have addressed this subject many times before.

My own love of minimalism and going minimalist with kids probably stems from a few different things. First would be my desire to live green. Consumption of less stuff and reusing what you have instead of buying new is green and minimalist. They go together like peas and carrots.

The second reason why I love minimalism… it is liberating! Working tons of hours to afford the really nice house instead of the perfectly sufficient one or working to fund a neverending list of wants from all family members is a form of slavery. You are letting yourself be enslaved by the media and my popular culture. It is amazingly freeing to be able to step outside that mindset and see that you are happier not chasing after that shallow dream. So many people today are like hamsters on a wheel and some of us are fortunate enough to one day stop, get off the wheel, and realize we have no desire to ever get back on. Minimalism is a tool that keeps the important things in the forefront so we aren’t tempted to get back on that wheel.

So how does that work when your kids are being bombarded by media and popular culture.. which tells them the way to happiness is the accumulation of stuff? It is pretty easy actually. Just live your values and explain to your kids why you make the decisions you do.

My third reason for lovng minimalism would probably be my desire to make the monumental job of parenting and living as stress free and enjoyable as possible. Parenting is oodles easier when you you don’t live amongst lots of clutter and you don’t have to work your life away to afford everything the media says you or your kids should have. This is perhaps why AP and minimalism get along so well too. It is easier to connect with your kids when you actually have time to spend with them and you or they are not engaged on some electronic device or some other diversion that society persuades us is important.

Because my two youngest have always been raised pretty minimalist they are very well adapted to the lifestyle. My oldest is a harder sell because he remembers the years we spent running on that hamster wheel and going into debt to buy oodles of useless crap. With him we have to justify our decisions quite often… like over, and over, and over again. We work hard for the “needs” in life and we are quite honest about the fact that we choose not to work any more hours than we have to, to buy “wants”. We want to model liberation and non-conformity so that our kids will not one day think they need to keep up with the Jones’s or go into debt to have the latest and greatest of everything. The smartest way to live IMO is to make the conscious decision to enjoy what you have right now, right here. When you are happy with what you have then the world is abundant, there are no limits, and you are rich.

Okay… so what does that mean literally? Well for us it means having a sparsely decorated home and fewer possessions. When I start having a problem finding a home for kitchen gadgets and utensils I know it is time to get rid of some. When the laundry starts to get overwhelming I decide it is time to pare down and I ask the kids to tell me what clothes they LOVE and what clothes they only wear because they are there. When the toy box gets overstuffed, some toys have got to go. It means visiting the library every week so that the bookaholics in the family are satiated. Gifts are given on holidays and birthdays and that is pretty much it unless we find a deal we cannot pass up (used sports equipment for instance). It means requiring our kids to help out with household cleaning and other tasks and paying them for these services so that they can get used to earning money and spending it wisely. It also means requiring them to use their money to pay for their own expenses… like pet food or blown bike tubes AND not advancing them money for larger purchases because that is like kiddie credit.  This allows them to see what it is like to have to budget in the needs before the wants and to not spend what they do not have. It often means waiting until gadgets and toys can be bought used or an older, cheaper model is available.

The goal of attachment parenting is not to keep kids dependent on or too attached to you as they grow but rather to give them the foundation they need to have confidence in their own choices and decisions. Raising them minimalist lends a helping hand by teaching them not to be slaves to media and the ideals of a culture obsessed with consumption.

Books I LOVE about minimalism and simple living:

Simplicity Parenting

Living Simply with Children: A Voluntary Simplicity Guide for Moms, Dads, and Kids Who Want to Reclaim the Bliss of Childhood and the Joy of Parenting

Frugal Luxuries

What about you? What works for your family?

Read how some other moms answered this question and even join in yourself, if you want, at Happy Green Babies and Natural Moms Talk Radio.

I have to admit that I am not terribly great at “play”. I do lots of stuff with my kids and I am a very attentive and involved parents but actually playing with my kids has always been a struggle for me. Sure we play around often with tickling or thumb wars, little stuff like that, but kicking a ball around in the yard, playing catch, or playing dolls or dinosaurs is not really something that comes easy to me. So for me it does take some planning to make sure my kids actually see me being a playful parent. Some of the ways we play are below…

Board Games – This kinda play is a-okay with me. We have lots of games and we play pretty often. It could be UNO or could be an educational game that teaches about medicinal uses for herbs. Its all good! My husband, my two older kids, and I all play online games as well. Hubby plays with our oldest son and my daughter and I often play together as well.

Car Games – Long drives are a great time to play as well… SlugBug (with no hitting), I Spy, the license plate game. We love them, they give us an opportunity to play, and they keep kids occupied.

Nature Play- Every year we do a series of winter hikes put on by our local Metro Parks system. There are usually about a dozen or more and they are a great way to see every park in full winter glory and be together as a family. By playing nature identification games along the way and by encouraging everyone to compete against their own hike times it makes it more fun for everyone. We also go sledding a couple times a year. This year we plan to try a new adventure and go Snow Tubing at Mad River. Can’t wait!! If we can find some good, used equipment we would also like to start cross country skiing and snowboarding.

In the warmer months we play together at festivals and do other organized activities. Indoor and outdoor golf is something we all love. Mini golf as a family and the driving range with Daddy for my two oldest. My husband and son like to attend Big Game Day at a local paintball place too. Despite my aversion to be bruised from head to toe by paintballs, I have decided to attend the next one in the spring with them. It was important to my son to share his love of this game with both parents. So now I have to find some second hand fatigues and it is ON!

This past weekend we took the kids apple picking again and we had a blast running through the orchard rows and lifting the kids so they could reach the highest (and juiciest apples). It was also fun to kick errant apples out of the main walkway so no one would trip on them. This upcoming weekend we plan to push our kids around inside tractor tires at Pigeon Roost Farm.

Indoor Play – We have at least one hard core roller skate/roller blade enthusiast and it makes sense since both my husband and I skated several hours a day for most of of our childhoods and many of our dates were spent at skate parks. Taking the kids to roller rinks is fun for all. We are also lucky to have indoor water parks that can be used during any weather. Spraying each other with water, riding double on the lazy river, going down terrifying water slides and screaming, together … it is what occupied the latter half of this past weekend actually. For any Columbus locals who read, we went to Coco Key Water Resort at Cherry Valley Lodge. LOVED it! We actually live 5 minutes away from the Fort Rapids Indoor Water Park but CoCo Key has frequent specials and group buy deals. We just bought 5 more days passes to Coco Key yesterday (via a group buy site) that we will use around Christmas time.

Affordable Fun – I know some people hate group sites like Groupon and Living Social but we use these sites primarily to buy tickets for events and play opportunities. Water resort passes, tours at historic places, museum passes, mini golf, paintball 2 for 1 deals, skiing passes, etc. It makes it a lot easier to play when you can afford to do really fun stuff and these sites can make that possible for 50-60% off the normal prices.

So, that is how we get our play on… what about you? How do you play with your kids?

This post is part of Green Moms Weekly. Join yourself by blogging about the weekly question or read what other moms have to say including Rachel at Happy Green Babies (this is where you can join in), Carrie at Natural Moms Talk Radio, Terry at Green Choices for You, and Emily at The Crunchy Coach. Enjoy!

For me, AP it is about letting my mommy instincts direct my actions. As a younger mom I loved to hold my babes close to me and breastfeed. I let them do this until they were ready to stop, to honor their need for this closeness and because I knew that breastmilk was the best nourishment for them. My mommy instincts also told me to go to my babies when they cried and that is what I did, ALWAYS. I never listened to mainstream advice that babies need to be on schedules and that letting them cry alone will teach them independence. I let them sleep with me as long as they wanted because it was easier on both of us. Mainstream advice that declares you will never get kids out of your bed once you let them in is just a bunch of hogwash.  When my kidlets cried and wanted to be held when I needed to make dinner of do some other chore, wearing them on my back allowed me to meet their need for attention AND get my work done. When they misbehaved I knew that deciding I didn’t want to strike them wasn’t going to result in a brat… despite what all the “spare the rod, spoil the child” folks had to say. For me AP is all about listening to my instincts and my heart.

So why the question about how to balance a busy lifestyle and still be an attachment parent? Well, AP is “get off your butt parenting” in my mind. The contrary advice to let kids cry it out, stick them in bouncing seat when you need to do dishes, spank them when they run into the street, and give them a more convenient bottle is all a way to make parenting easier for us, but not necessarily better or easier for the child. An attached parent will likely create a family bed so that everyone can sleep together. They will wear their babies in a wrap or hold them instead of delegating that duty to a swing or bouncy seat. They breastfeed and/or pump well into the toddler years because it is important to their child and it is the best source of nutrition. They will be supervising their child closely so that the running into the street moment can be used to gently teach and coach. In fact they anticipated that moment because they have gotten good at reading their child. Because they always use their words instead of their hands… their kids respond well to reasoning. Hitting becomes a senseless and irrational choice.

Attachment parenting is very involved parenting, and for that reason it can sometimes conflict with the more hurried pace of lives today. I don’t know that what works for us will work or other attached parents but I know we have made many very conscious decisions to slow our pace of life and give our kids the attention they need and desire. Being too busy for attachment parenting isn’t an issue when you simply make sure you are never too busy. We wanted to stay attached at the heart AND live our best lives. I became a stay at home mom so that I could be the primiary caregiver for our kids. This allowed me to breastfeed exclusively and for extended periods of time. I chose natural childbirth for my last two births and we kept interventions to a minimum so that bonding and breastfeeding could happen immediately after birth. I wore two of my babies in slings and wraps and all of them slept in bed with me. My 5 year still does quite often. We decided early on to always try and use positive discipline methods and to respect our kids. We tried to find ways to meet everyone’s needs simultaneously and sometimes that was a lot of work.

Balance was much harder when our kids were young because very often we had to compromise and make sure their needs were met first and foremost. Their need to co-sleep trumped my need for not getting kicked in the stomach at night. Their inability to handle the excitement of traveling meant we had a staycation instead of a vacation. My husband’s need for a sane, well rested wife was trumped by the needs of a small infant who who used me as an all day milk buffet, which meant I was often hormonal and tired. I guess I feel that when our children are young they should be the priority. Aka breast feeding even if your dog tired or co-sleeping even when you’d rather have your husband all to yourself. As my kids get older I think they benefit more from seeing parents who love themselves, take care of themselves, and have varied interests that they actively pursue. I also think it is important for them to see that their parents prioritize each other too. As they get older they benefit less from having a shadow to meet their every need and more from seeing good examples of others doing and living for themselves. We don’t tell them how to live, we just live, and we let them watch. So in terms of priority for the first five or so years of their lives it was all about them. Now the priority list looks somewhat different but it works well because the foundation was so well laid, they are happy independent kids that are accepting of that much needed shift.

To keep things balanced and attached now, we mostly just have to listen. We listen to them daily, carving out certain times that are distraction free, and we stay attached by staying in the loop. We help with homework and we stay connected to teachers. We homeschool when or if we need to. We put our family before “things” and “stuff” so this means we work as little as we can and make do with less. Our kids may have fewer toys and electronic gadgets than the kids next door but we have more time to spend with them. We have a neighbor child who is always bragging about her toys and video games, trying to goad my children but then every weekend this same child looks at us longingly as we pull out of the drive to go apple picking, to a Pumpkin Festival, to a movie, or to some other local event that her own parents don’t have time for. I know how lucky we are and I think our kids do to. Balance is about spending time doing activities with them and yet allowing them to pursue their own independent activities when they need and want to. For us it is also about knowing which child needs a bit more attention and giving it to them. Since we have two a-typical kids… one with some severe developmental and speech delays and one with high functioning autism, it is helps greatly to be flexible and unhurried in our daily lives.

For us, life during these years of their development is less about balance and more about figuring out how to stay tuned in to them as we ALL become more independent and find new priorities and interests. I am sure it will be no less exciting than the baby and toddler years. In fact I am sure it will be even more so because with older kids it really does feel like we are all in this together… this wild and crazy journey called life.

Leave a comment to tell me how you stay connected to your kids in this fast paced life and be sure to visit the other Green Moms Weekly to read about how they answered this question. Enjoy!

A reader recently asked me if I felt it was better to raise kids with less space and stuff. I have written about this several times but my posts on Minimalist Children, Helping Kids See Past Commercialism , and Simplicity Parenting come to mind. I am no parenting expert by any means and my kids manage to throw me for a loop all the time but in regards to this issue I think my husband and I have found something that seems to work very well for us. It was a journey to get there though. We certainly didn’t start our married lives or our family with any intention of being minimalist anything.

When we got married we did what many new couples seem to do in this day and age… we got ourselves into debt because we felt entitled to the big house, new cars, and nice things right from the moment we said “I do.” Our grandparents and likely our parents had to work their way up to having nice things and nice homes. If they wanted a big TV and new car they worked their arses off and raised the money for it. It they wanted to go on a family vacation they saved all year for it and paid for everything in cash. Now though the attitude that we deserve all the nice possessions and fancy vacations even before we have worked hard for them seems to prevail. It was only a couple years after marriage that we found ourselves drowning in debt. All the nice things we charged to credit cards did not make us happy. Our first child was barely two before we started thinking about bailing out on each other because life was just too stressful. We did kind of bail out on each other I guess because my husband took a job were he traveled all but 4-5 days a month. We had to find a way to pay for all this debt after all.

Because we felt we were entitled to it all, it makes logical sense that we passed this on to our first child. The kid filled an entire walk-in closet (the size of a bedroom in our current house)  full of his toys and there were plenty more to bleed all over the house. Literally every single time I went to the store (which was a lot) I bought him more toys and clothes.

I am not sure exactly what caused us to shift our lifestyle exactly but I think learning about attachment parenting and green living helped move us toward a new understanding and life philosophy. Maybe we were just sick and tired of messy finances, clutter in our lives, and spending most of our days apart because we were reckless and irresponsible. Either way we changed.

Shortly after the birth of our third child my husband returned home and took a local job. I had created a business working at home and felt a sense of accomplishment and pride I hadn’t felt in a long while. We were suddenly debt free and not wanting to make the mistakes we had in our past. We financed a new “used” car but paid it off in only 6 months. We paid for a second vehicle with cash.  We got rid of all credit cards. We decided to downgrade our home and move into one with barely over 1000 square feet. We now live in one with 1100 square feet. ;) We found new forms of entertainment that didn’t revolve around spending money. We nixed buying the kids anything unless it was a birthday or holiday. The perks I get from blogging are an exception, although 8 times out of 10 we donate the stuff as soon as we review it. We buy all our clothing at thrift stores. That was very drastic but for my two youngest it is just the way life is and they don’t see anything wrong with it. Our older child has had a much harder time with it because he remembers the days of excess. He has tossed around words like cheap and selfish when he cannot get something he wants. We don’t budge because we KNOW we are on the right track.

We know this because our marriage has improved 100% and our daily stress has gone down to almost nothing. Our kids are still happy and healthy even though they aren’t being bombarded with all the new toys and gadgets of this consumerist society. Of course there is still room for improvement. As I mentioned before, we are still on the messy side where finances are concerned. But we no longer spend more than we earn and we don’t have debt. Just recently we started putting money away for emergencies and retirement the way we should have been doing all along. We buy Amazon gift certificates once a week before the holidays so that everything is prepaid and we have no issue getting the kids what they want. And we don’t go crazy. They get one big ticket item and one small item. If they get lots of gifts from family then they have to donate some other stuff so that it evens out.

We went from stress, clutter, overspending, and lots of unhappiness and did a 180 with our lives. Here are a few of the ways we handle things now and make life more minimalist and manageable.

• When something new comes into the house, something else needs to be sold or donated.
• Kids are expected to work around the house daily (15 minute clean-up) AND keeps their rooms clean.
• Furniture and personal belongings are kept to a minimum so that cleaning is easy to manage.
• If you can’t keep your room clean you have too much STUFF and some of it needs to go.
• If we don’t love it and use it often then we can do without it.
• Everything needs a place to call home, preferably one that its out of sight.
• Buying used is always preferable to buying new.
• We don’t DO fancy round these parts. Simple and easy is more our style.
• Limit media consumption so that demands for new “stuff” wanes.
• Act like a one car household by sending hubby to work with the keys to the other vehicle.
• If you are bored… read.
• Feeling antsy? Exercise or play a game.
• Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.

What works for you? I would love to hear!

A Guest Post by Joella

My pregnancy with my daughter was unexpected. My husband (fiancé at the time) and I planned on having children eventually, but hadn’t given much thought to it, since we thought that “eventually” was still a few years away. Sure, we’d spent enough time discussing our views on parenting that we were confident we were mostly on the same page, but we certainly hadn’t nailed down the specifics.

As I spent time researching all the choices out there, I’d come to him with what I’d learned, sometimes nervously anticipating his reaction. I knew he supported breastfeeding, but for how long? What would he think about child-led weaning, or nursing in public? I knew that he was an environmentalist to some degree, but would he think cloth diapers were taking it too far? What about co-sleeping and bed-sharing? Would he be on board?

Perhaps the most nerve-wracking discussion of all was about what we’d feed our daughter when she was ready for more than my milk. He understood and supported my vegetarianism. He was a vegetarian himself when we first met, and willingly agreed to maintain a vegetarian household when he moved in with me. What about our daughter? Would he support a vegetarian diet for her, too?

My nerves were un-warranted. His main concern was that our daughter would not feel pressured into maintaining a dietary choice such as vegetarianism against her will. We agreed to raise her as a vegetarian until she is old enough to comprehend the process –all the way from living breathing animal to lifeless cut on a plate- by which meat becomes meat.

So far, for the most part, it’s been a rather simple parenting choice to uphold. We’re both mindful and knowledgeable enough about nutrition to ensure that she gets everything she needs from a vegetarian diet. Our own parents, while they may not understand our decision, are respectful and supportive of it. Our part-time daycare provider does a great job of communicating with us about the lunch menu at daycare. When meat is on it, we provide our daughter’s lunch.

Of course, we get the occasional good-humored “joking” comment that our daughter “looks like she wants a hamburger” or that she’ll rebel by marrying a butcher. We sometimes get curious questions about what she eats. I always answer that she eats whatever I eat, and that I eat whatever I want!

There is a misconception that vegetarian diets are complicated or include lots of strange foods. Yes, we eat things like tofu and tempeh, but I find those far less strange to eat than liver or legs! At 14 months old, my daughter enjoys everything from burritos to lasagna, stir fry to omelets, sandwiches to spaghetti, and stew to curry. She even gets to eat typical kid fare like “chik’n” nuggets and pizza.

At this point in her life, it’s relatively simple to control what she is offered and exposed to. Since we fix her plate for her, it’s easy to avoid having meat within her reach. I’m sure my mom feels like I’m playing twenty questions when I inquire about what they’ll be eating while my daughter is in her care, but non-vegetarians don’t always think of obscure non-vegetarian ingredients like gelatin in marshmallows or meat-based broths in “vegetable” soups.

As she grows more curious and independent, we’ll need to be ever more vigilant about what goes into her mouth. She might mistake an actual chicken nugget or hamburger for the convincing veggie substitutes she’s accustomed to. When she starts asking why certain foods that other people eat (even her father, occasionally) are off-limits, we’ll begin explaining in an age appropriate manner that we value animals as friends, not food, and start making basic connections between the animals she sees on the farms on the drive out to her grandma’s house and the food items that we’d prefer she pass by until she fully understands them.

The main argument that people make against our decision to give our daughter a vegetarian start in life is that it should be her choice whether or not she wants to be a vegetarian. I couldn’t agree more. I won’t deny that if the day comes that she decides to add meat to her diet, I’ll be a little bit sad, but I will support her decision so long as it is an informed one. By raising her as a vegetarian until she can make that decision for herself, we are giving her a choice: a choice to have been a life-long vegetarian from conception, a choice few people are offered. I’m confident that whether she grows to embrace my vegetarian values or not, she’ll appreciate and have respect for where her food comes from, an appreciation and respect that is all too often lacking in the world today.

Joella writes Fine and Fair, a blog of letters to her daughter. Fine and Fair is focused on the ups and downs along the journey of raising her daughter as a responsible citizen of the world with the values of compassion toward all living things, environmental responsibility, conservation, and celebrating diversity in all of its forms. Fine and Fair can also be found on facebook and twitter.

Last week I grabbed The Explosive Child from my local library book shelf. I was browsing the parenting titles looking for a specific book on bullies and this one just jumped out at me. I guess the universe provides what you need. As I picked it up I was hesitant because I don’t like books with Dr. Phil-esque advice about finding their currency and punishing your kids until they shape up. But I read through the first chapter, aptly named The Waffle Episode. I knew I would take the book home after I quickly acknowledged that yes, the waffle episode or similar, was something that is very familiar to me.

The book addresses how to understand and approach parenting easily frustrated or chronically inflexible children. Some outsiders may see a child like that and call them bratty, tyrannical, a little monster, or something similar but what this book addresses is that some kids are “explosive” not by choice or because of bad parenting but because they are mentally incapable of handling frustration. Frustration tolerance and flexibility are skills that we learn as we develop and some kids have a delay or handicap where these skills are concerned, just like a child might have a learning disability. Calling a child a brat insinuates that they are deliberately being antagonistic or willful. With these children there is nothing deliberate about their behavior. They know what you expect of them and they know when they are doing right or wrong but when they get frustrated they don’t have the skills to stay calm or think rationally… they just implode.

Common advice from therapists who deal with these children is to use a punishment and rewards system. But Dr. Greene’s advice in this book is to not go down that path because it doesn’t work for these children. As he says, they are black and white children living in a grey world. They know what you expect of them and they would love to have the rewards and avoid the punishments but they are chronically incapable of meeting your expectations when they don’t have the skills to handle frustration. A rewards and punishment system is just giving them ammunition of sorts… a whole lot MORE to be frustrated about. Conventional parenting ideas usually revolve around the idea that children will do well if they want to. Dr. Green’s believes “children will do well if they can”. LOVE it.

So what do you do with an explosive child? Well, there are three paths outlined in the book that parents can take… Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. Plan A is an authoritarian “my way or the highway” approach. Plan C is a very passive “whatever you want, I give up” approach. Plan B involves negotiating and resolving conflict together with mutually beneficial solutions. It involves modeling for them the EXACT behaviors and skills they haven’t mastered yet. You teach them how to deal with frustration without explosions and how to see “options” in their black and white mindset. You also have to understand that it is a disability and that you cannot take things too personally. When your child screams “I HATE you!” they are acting on impulse and didn’t know a better way to say… “Mom I am really upset right now about something mean someone said to me at school today and you lecturing me about my messy room was the last straw.”

It is a wonderful book that gives solid advice and stays focused on “helping” the children not punishing them for something they can’t control. It also shows clearly how the parental reaction can be water that douses the fire or an accelerant that ignites it even further.

I recommend it to all moms struggling with explosions, including children who have an ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) diagnosis.

You and I could hitch a ride and fly away to Neverland, give our best to Peter Pan.

There is a growing trend toward minimalism and voluntary simplicity. I have written about it many times here. We made a huge leap towards minimalism and a more simple life last year. We moved from a large house in the suburbs to a small 1000 square foot house in the city. We downgraded to one car and we got rid of 50% of our belongings. You kind of have to when you move into a smaller place. It was a wonderful experience and has helped us see more clearly what kind of life we want to shape.

We are moving again to a better area of town and a slightly nicer home but it is only 300 square feet bigger and lucky for us that wiggle room translates into better closet space (so we can ditch our dressers), a dishwasher, and an extra bathroom. Once again we chose a place that is right next to one of the major Metro Parks because being close to nature is what we value. It was only after living so simply that we can move into this equally modest home and feel like we are living luxuriously. And because we don’t want to move tons of stuff.. even if it is way less than what we had a year ago… we have given away or sold another 50% of our stuff.

Another benefit is seen in the kids. They use to be big time beggars for new stuff and they rarely showed appreciation when they got the stuff they wanted… it was just expected. Now they ask for a lot less and they appreciate what they do get, more.

When you choose to raise your children in a frugal, non-consumerism sort of way, you are going against a powerful advertising media. Images of the latest movie and its accompanying toys, video games, and action figures are all over the walls, cups, trays, and containers of fast-food restaurants. Television commercials tempt your children with compelling advertising, making your children think they just have to have the latest cereal, candy, video game, or toy.

Some families are collectors every modern convenience there is. You take your child to Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s house, and the Smiths have every imaginable gadget. Your child gleefully plays with the electronic games and toys, thoroughly enjoys the big plastic kitchen, and watches all kinds of DVDs. You may even feel guilty, thinking you are depriving your child of all this fun.

What can you do to counteract the materialism that still dominates much of our culture?

* Don’t feel guilty. Modern parents are made to feel as if they are depriving their children of “the best” if they don’t sign them up for every lesson, take them to every movie, or buy them every brain-enhancing toy. Advertising companies are paying billions of dollars to make you think this. It is not reality… it is a fictional version of reality they are selling. Let it go. Don’t “buy” into it. You are not depriving your children; you are enhancing their mental and emotional development by letting the real world around them captivate and interest them. Do you think the Smiths’ kids are really better off because they spend all their free time in front of a television or playing with a DSI?

* Minimize media first. This includes movies and television. After all, it is advertising that manipulates us into thinking we need this and that. If possible, get rid of cable entirely. We opted to get Netflix and stream it to our TV via our Wii.. which was a gift. We get a lot of gifts now from family who think we are deprived, LOL. Anyway, the Wii is not played very much. Instead they use it to get on demand movies via Netflix. No commercials!!!! You can also choose to limit TV to DVDs or videos, preferably those that you check out from the library. And speaking of the library…

* Use it! The library is there for a reason. Plan a trip with your kids at least once a month. Stock up on books and other materials, and take advantage of free library programs. Many local libraries host various children’s activities from storytime to matinee movies to live music.

* Involve your children in cleaning clutter and donating to charity. Let them help, but make limits and rules so they don’t end up keeping everything. Give them a box and tell them you expect them to fill it with stuff they don’t use or play with. Tell them you are filling your own box too and do it. You can also Freecycle the boxes of toys if you prefer.

* When you do go to the Smiths’ house, talk to your children beforehand. Let them know that the Smiths have a different lifestyle than you do. Don’t be critical of them, but help your child “own” your frugal lifestyle by emphasizing that minimalism is your way of life. I tell my kids that our minimalist lifestyle is what allows us to have season passes to the zoo, science center, water park, ect. It also allows us to take vacations and it allows them to go fishing a couple times a week, like they love because mom and dad don’t have to work as much as the Smiths do. We value life experiences and spending time with family more than accumulating “stuff”.

* The Smiths are nice, of course, but it’s helpful to look for families with children who have a similar minimalist philosophy. When your children get together, they can enjoy being creative together and won’t come away with “green eyes” of envy.

It is not an overnight process to change things if your kids have developed a taste for living a life of excess but it can be done and everyone can be a lot happier for it. We are not against buying things that make our life easier or more enjoyable but we are against mindless consumption and raising our kids to link their self worth to how much cool stuff they have.

What about you? How do you counteract the effects of media and modern society in your home?

Over the past week or so a few comments made by one of my children and certain current events (Prop 8 trial) made me think we need to spend some time visiting the issue of tolerance as a family. One of the comments by my child made me wonder if their school isn’t actually segregating the children to some degree. There is a large group of kids that attend their school that are racially and religiously different than what you might find typical in this particular area. I see them every day getting on and off their buses so I know that there are many of them and yet neither of my kids (in two different grades) shares a classroom with any of them. They have two buses to themselves as well. I find the idea disturbing because part of the draw for me in sending them to public school is for them to be part of a diverse group of kids. And yet my kids are not getting that experience at all.

I have also been really disheartened by all the legislature enacted by certain states in the past few years that are naught but hateful attempts to deny gay and lesbian families their civil rights. I have been following the Prop 8 trial since it began last week and it just makes me so angry. I guess I have an intolerance problem myself. I am intolerant of intolerance. I don’t want my kids to be around people who are judgemental of the race, morality, or choices of other people and yet isn’t intolerance a choice in itself? This feels like one of those chicken or egg arguments.

I found the race and ethnicity discussion with my own kids to be not so tough to handle in large part because they have so many family members that do not look like them. My kids have MANY Japanese relatives since my mother has 7 Japanese siblings. My SIL and nephews are Chinese. Having a diverse family helps. But yet we live in an area where prejudice is alive and well. I think we need to start reading some books that address and tackle intolerance so I made a list of ideal books. Do you have any to share?

Amazing Grace – Grace loves stories, whether she hears them, reads them, or makes them up. Possessed with a marvelous imagination as well as a strong flair for the dramatic, she acts the stories out, always giving herself the most exciting parts. Thus, it is natural when her teacher announces a classroom production of Peter Pan , that Grace wants to play the lead. One classmate says she can’t because she’s a girl and another says she can’t because she’s black. When a saddened Grace relates the days events to her mother and grandmother, they tell her she can be anything she wants to, if she puts her mind to it. Inspired by her family’s support, her own indomitable spirit, and an excursion to a weekend ballet starring a lovely Trinidadian dancer, Grace shines during her audition, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind as to who will play Peter Pan.

Oliver Button Is a Sissy - Oliver Button is a boy who likes to do things that go against the stereotypical things that boys do, such as dance. Other boys at school tease him and call him names. Even at home he is told he should do more “boy things”. But by staying true to himself he finds what he is good at and what make shim shine and the jeering stops.

Be Good to Eddie Lee – A young girl discovers a new capacity for friendship when she spends some time with a neighbor boy who has Down’s Syndrome. Christy’s mother has told her to “be good to Eddie Lee,” but Christy, however, would rather go wading with her friend JimBud than be pestered by Eddie Lee. But when Eddie Lee, uninvited, follows the two kids, Christy reluctantly includes her neighbor and is pleasantly surprised at how the afternoon turns out.

A Coat of Many Colors – This story is about a little girt whose mother has no money for a new coat so she sews one out of rags and the child is teased by her classmates. This book is based on the Dolly Parton song.

Don’t Laugh at Me – Another book based on a song. The story is about the ridicule suffered by a boy with glasses, a girl who wears braces and a wheelchair-bound child, among others, ultimately uniting the voices of the bullied in the verse “Don’t laugh at me. Don’t call me names. Don’t get your pleasure from my pain. In God’s eyes we’re all the same.”

Come Sit By Me - Karen’s friend Nicholas has AIDS. When Karen’s parents find out that Nicholas is being left out by the other children, they help organize a meeting to address fears of both caregivers and children.

Mommy, Mama, and Me - Rhythmic text and illustrations with universal appeal show a toddler spending the day with his mommies. From hide-and-seek to dress-up, then bath time and a kiss goodnight, there’s no limit to what a loving family can do together. Also Daddy, Papa, and Me.

Muslim Child – This book presents aspects of the daily lives of Muslim youngsters in various locales, including Canada, the U.S., Nigeria, and Pakistan. The child’s-eye view substantially increases the likelihood that non-Muslim readers will be able to internalize and understand what the protagonists are feeling and thinking, even if the religious basis of those thoughts and emotions is unfamiliar.

Over the weekend I dived into a book I have been meaning to read for the past few weeks. I guess with all the holiday activity recently it didn't seem like the best time to read it, just in case I decided to act on any of the action plans contained in the book. I am glad I waited until I could give it my full attention because it is a rare gem.

The book is Simplicity Parenting – Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids. I assumed it was a book about voluntary simplicity but focused on kids and it is that but also so much more. The author, Kim John Payne is a therapist and he worked for many years in war torn areas of the third world helping kids with post traumatic stress issues. Ironically when his career changed directions and he came to practice in the US he noticed something strange about the children he was now treating. The children in this New England town that he was hired to help also showed the classic signs of post traumatic stress. But how could that be? These kids didn't live in a war ravaged country or have to fight for their very survival. What did they have to be so stressed about?

Basically he found that all the stuff going in on their lives was taking away from their childhoods and that they were becoming stressed. Many of the quirks that all kids have were becoming full blown disorders because of the stressful lives they were living… ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, etc. Some kids dealt with this stress and overabundance of activities and things in their lives by regressing into their own world (ADD, ADHD) and some would struggle to get control (OCD, ODD) but usually it all stemmed from the same problem, stress brought on by the life and lifestyle of the family. This particular therapist created a very successful practice and became Internationally renowned by helping parents to change the way they lived and parented by getting back to simplicity. These families and kids had too much stuff, too many choices, and too little time.

The book has basic action plans for simplifying the family dynamic.. decluttering the environment, establishing comforting rituals and routines, scheduling breaks, and scaling back on media and parental "hovering".

I especially liked that the chapters on decluttering the home had lists of things to look for in toys and entertainment to either qualify or disqualify them as something we should have in the home. It brought up many things I hadn't considered and yet many were things that I have considered already in my drive to parent "naturally". It compliments natural parenting very well in fact. One statistic that was horrifying to read is that the average American child has around 150 toys. Even more horrifying is that before I adopted a more natural and green lifestyle I am positive my kids had double that number. How can a single child possibly play with 150 toys and be responsible for keeping them tidy? That is overload. One area that I hadn't considered is book overload and I think my kids are nearing or past that point. The book made a lot of great points about why we should not have more than half a dozen books in our kids rooms and wow it REALLY made sense. It made a case for how we might actually be impeding their love of reading by giving them access to that many books and several real life examples were shown.

With toys and books it is recommended that we store the majority of the "keepers" in a place out of their reach and use these collections as sort of a lending library. The book has motivated some BIG time decluttering in this house, specifically in the kids rooms. In my daughter's room for instance all her toys now fit in two small baskets under her bed. My oldest son's are in a chest in his closet and it is not even a 1/4 full. Just as promised by the author… they never even noticed the change. I also loved the idea of creating a small art center in each child's room… just a table, chair, and art supplies.

Another suggestion I loved in the book had to with routines. I like to keep the mornings peaceful and unhurried so I loved the idea of one the author's clients to light a candle at the breakfast table instead of turning lights on. Awhile back the light over our kitchen table malfunctioned and not wanting to deal with expense of an electrician we opted to eat by candlelight and I really miss that so I am inspired to bring that back (even though our light works). I have to have 3 candles, one for each child to blow out, so there is no fighting over this honor, LOL.

It had great information about the importance of family dinners and simplyfing that whole routine as well. The author's family does a moment of silence to set the mood for the meal and that didn't interest me so much but I loved the alternative suggestion to spend a moment giving thanks even for secular families like mine. Aka thanks to the farmers who grew these vegetables, thanks to Nana who who passed on this delicious recipe to us, and allowing the kids to express what they are thankful for. I like rituals like this that have no religious overtones.

Also good was the chapter on TV and media. I read it after reading a blog post on a mom blog about the benefits and joys of TV and how parents who try and restrict TV are being fear mongers. The week before I had visited a blog that is dedicated to helping parents avoid "hovering" and let heir kids have more meaningful and freeing experiences while learning self reliance. I was dissapointed to learn (after a recent post) that these concepts were not so much the result of the author's dedication to child development but rather the desire to have her kids out of her hair and not bothering her, so the electronic babysitter was a big hit in their house. It seemed almost the exact opposite of what her blog represented so I felt kinda tricked and thus discouraged about TV and media.

Simplicity Parenting was refreshing and helped to reinforce that lots of TV exposure over all can be very damaging. Kids don't have meaningful experiences in front of the TV and they don't learn self reliance from it either. More often than not they learn to sit and be entertained instead of creating exciting real life experiences. More often than not they learn to be consumers and feel that they don't have enough and that their lives are not enough. TV is designed to impart those messages… otherwise why would 16 billion be invested annually in using the TV to market to children??? If it wasn't working EXACTLY as they intended than they wouldn't be spending that much money. Think about it.

I do believe that the TV can be a window to exciting possibilities. I love the show Man Versus Wild for example and various Discovery Channel programs are wonderful. BUT the TV can also be a window into adult content and ideas that kids are not mature enough for and it can easily replace real life adventures and that is truly sad. This book has confirmed for me that we need to do even more in regards to discouraging TV viewing.

Other areas addressed in the book are parental hovering and also overscheduling our kids. Particular attention is paid to sports and it has much to say in regards to the argument you hear from many parents that sports have all these important life lessons to teach and that they help keeps kids out of trouble. It is not anti-sports, rather pro sports with some much needed perspective.

Overall, a great book with really helpful ideas for addressing one of the biggest issues we are facing… the fast paced, highly stressed, materialistic, overwhelming nature of today's childhood and what we can do to help create change. The advice stop notch and the real life stories of how families and children applied this advice and benefited was very heart warming.

Some other reference books mentioned by the author include: The Hurried Child, The Power of Play,The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap

Something miraculous has happened in our home. Every morning I get to wake up to a clean house and the feeling is sooooo nice!!

A couple weeks ago I bartered for house cleaning services and my house was whipped into shape. I absolutely LOVE getting up to sparkly floors and NO toys on the floor. Gone were the days of pretending that the kids toys, books, and clothing all over the floor was actually a burglary early warning system. BUT after everything was super clean I started to notice every little thing that was carelessly tossed or dirtied without cleaning up afterwards. I would seethe upon finding the sink full of dishes after dinner from the night before since we have always agreed to a “the cook doesn’t clean” policy. When someone “put away” the clean clothes from the dryer by throwing them on the desk nearby I thought I was going to implode soon. Rather than implode I opted to request… no, insist… I get help.

I have always loved that poem about letting things get dirty while you raise your babies because you won’t get that time back… you know the one I am talking about? But my kids are getting older and I spend all day with them already so now I got to thinking that it was time to start keeping things clean AND having them take responsibility for their own messes. But I have always resisted chores. I guess it is because I really only had one chore growing up (dishes) and the only other families I knew who had “chores”… well sorry but to me it looked like lazy parents who sat on their butts while the kids did all the cleaning. I remember being at their houses while the parents sat in recliners barking orders while kids scrubbed toilets and mopped floors, all the while listening to lectures about how they (the parents) have jobs and kids are leaches. I swore I would never do that to my kids.. that I would adopt a “get off your butt” style of parenting and not make my kids be my servants. And yet here I was needing their help.

I still think the best way to teach kids something is by modeling it. They have no idea how hard you work at your job they only know what they see when they are with you. So the solution to my problem was obvious. We would all clean together.

I sat everyone down and told them about a new 15 minute clean-up we would be having every evening. Every member of the family would have to pitch in and help, we would throw on some on groovy dance music while we worked, and the kids would be paid for their help. The result has been miraculous.

Each child has a specific area to clean up.. my daughter picks up in the living room and hallway and wipes down the kitchen table, my oldest son picks up in the den and vacuums or sweeps the den and kitchen, and my youngest is given random tasks. If I cooked than hubby cleans the kitchen while I dust the house and clean up desks, bookshelves, sort laundry, etc. We reverse that if he cooks. In the evening when they are in bed I usually mop the kitchen floor and the living room. Some nights they are grumpy or tired and ask why they have to do this and I just say that we makes messes together so we need to clean up together.

Every evening the house gets cleaned and I am so thrilled! If only I could find a solution for their bedrooms.

Do you have chores in your home? Why of why not? What works for you?

Family Volunteering Vacations – What are They?

The typical family vacations are normally all about having fun or visiting with family you don't see often. And of course there is nothing wrong with that! But another option to consider is a family volunteering vacation. Rather than spending your time lounging on the beach or standing in line at a high-priced amusement park, you can travel to a different area of the country or the world and help those less fortunate. Imagine what you and your kids could learn and from such an experience. I would wager it would be something they would remember much longer than they would riding Splash Mountain.

You’d be amazed at the number of organizations around the country and the world needing volunteers. While volunteering you may be able to help build an orphanage, help at centers for the disabled, or help build a home. With the number of natural disasters happening around the world and the large group of people who have been adversely affected by them, there is no shortage of things a family could do to help.

If you are interested in finding an opportunity for your family to volunteer during your next vacation, you can try to find something on your own. However, for the best volunteer opportunity abroad, you may want to contact an organization which specializes in setting up this type of vacation.

Global Citizens’ Network is one such organization. They welcome families with family members as young as eight and are looking for families which are open to new experiences. This may mean traveling to a foreign country, working long and hard hours, and being flexible. This type of program can cost as much as $2,000. Travel expenses are not included. Check with the organization to ensure they have staff that can accommodate the ages of your children if they are under the age of twelve.

Cross-Cultural Solutions is another organization which families can use to find volunteer opportunities, either in the United States or one of any number of countries. Those volunteering their time may plan a trip at any time during the year and may remain on the volunteer site for up to twelve weeks. 

Heritage Conservation Network specializes in setting up volunteering workshops for families at historic sites in the United States and the world. While the goal is to supply volunteer labor for preservation projects, those assisting can also learn a great deal about the local culture. Prices range from $300 to $2000 per week and are dependent upon the location where you’re volunteering.

You can find other family volunteering vacation ideas by searching on the internet. You can find an opportunity you like and perhaps look at home swaps or renting a private condo for a couple of weeks. Some children may balk at the idea of going on vacation and working the entire time. After the vacation is over, however, you may hear your children make comments about how much they’ve enjoyed themselves. They will certainly have some amazing stories to share in school. Don’t be surprised if they even ask you if they can do something similar the next year.

Hubby and I were talking recently about our how our nearly 6 year old daughter seems to be maturing so fast to the ways of the world. Already we have been hearing things come out of her mouth that are clearly to mature in content for her to know about. One time she almost caused her feminist grandmother to blow a gasket when she mentioned that wives who stay pregnant all the time don’t have to work. Last week she mentioned that kids can move and get their own place if they are unhappy with the house rules. In all instances she learned about these things from television or modern kids movies.

It got me to thinking about what I watched when I was young and most things that came to mind were very old shows… shows that would have been old even when I watched them. I have to hand it to my mom… somehow I grew up watching old classics and loving them. I watched the Mickey Mouse Club.. the black and white version with Anette Funicello. I watched the original Parent Trap with Hayley Mills. I was over the moon for Tommy Kirk from The Shaggy Dog and Peter McEnery from The Moon Spinners. In fact I remember looking up one of their addresses at the public library and writing to them, professing my adoration. In return I got an autographed photo and was stunned when the picture was clearly of an elderly man… I was confused to say the least.

It has put me on a mission to introduce some of those great old movies to my own kids. Movies about kids having adventures and just being kids. I think they will be a vastly better alternative to prime time Nick TV. Any of these sound familiar to you? They were my favorites.

Old Yeller – I get teary eyed just thinking of this movie and how it shows the love between a boy and his dog. I think my oldest son would really like it as he has two yellow labs in his life that he loves dearly. The draw for me was Tommy Kirk… could a young man get any cuter?? I think not.

Swiss Family Robinson – This is the ultimate family adventure IMO! I used to daydream about getting shipwrecked just like this family because I loved the way they lived. I wanted to go and live with them to make sure Ernst had a wife when he got old enough (yep Tommy Kirk again). My younger brother and I would run to the Swiss Family Tree House every Christmas when we went on our annual trip to Disneyland. I still love this movie to this day because it is a story about a family’s love and the greatest adventure of their lives and how it makes them see what is really important.

The Shaggy Dog and The Shaggy DA – These are two separate movies, the original and the sequel. It is about a boy who finds a mysterious magic ring that turns him in to a sheepdog. The sequel features him as an adult.

The Moon Spinners – I could go on all day about how I love this movie and I still watch it every year. It is about a young girl named Nikki (Hayley Mills) and her Aunt going on vacation to Crete. Nikki meets and becomes enamoured with a young man named Mark, that she meets at a party. The next day she is sightseeing and wandering through an old crypt when she stumbles upon Mark, shot and wounded badly. It turns out Mark has tracked jewel thieves from his home in England to this island and now both of them have to run for their lives.

The Parent Trap – Another Hayley Mills movie about twins separated at birth that accidentally discover each other when they are sent to the same summer camp. I love the re-make of this movie with a very young Lindsey Lohan too.

Annie - Another movie I have to watch every year. It brings back memories of seeing the Broadway play version with my grandmother when I was little. The adorable redhead, Daddy Warbucks, the idea that abused orphans find happiness… its good stuff!

Camille – Okay this one isn’t for kids… teen or tween girls maybe. I fell in love with this movie when I was about 12 I think and it was Annie that made me seek it out. When Annie goes to the movies for the first time this is the movie she sees and the end scene was so moving I wanted to see the whole film. It is basically about a young man (Armand) who falls in love with a courtesan played by Greta Garbo. She falls in love with him as well but pushes him away at first not wanting to tarnish his name by association but he will not give up. Her debt and her relationship to a very powerful man put her love in danger so she betrays him in the hope that he will realize she is no good and give up. When Armand discovers that she was trying to protect him and that his own family begged her to leave him, he tracks her down with the intention to marry her once and for all. Sadly when he finds her, he discovers that she is dying from a terminal illness. This one is a cry fest!

The Sea Gypsies (Originally titled Shipwreck) – Travis and his two daughters, Courtney and Samantha, set off on a trip around the world on a sailboat. Along for the trip is Kelly, a journalist who has been assigned to cover the voyage. Also, Jesse, a stowaway, is found aboard adding a fifth person on the trip. Soon, they are shipwrecked on a deserted island and must learn how to survive together in a dangerous environment.

The Monkey’s Uncle – Yep, Tommy Kirk (again). My little brother and I LOVED this movie. It is about a genius college student named Merlin Jones. He adopts a chimpanzee named Stanley, and makes him his legal “nephew” (an experiment to raise Stanley as a human). Merlin ends up inventing a man-powered airplane and a sleep-learning system all the while raising a chimp and hilarity ensues.

The Wilderness Family – Another story of family adventuring… Skip Robinson is a city-dwelling construction worker. His family is tired of the city and move to the mountains with no plans to return. After fixing their own cabin, they settle in to find out that their environment isn’t always peaceful. A pack of wolves, an angry lioness, and a menacing grizzly bear harass the Robinsons, in their otherwise happy new home. This movie has two sequels as well.

Savannah Smiles – Oh how I adored this movie! It is actually about a 7 year old little girl of a US politician who runs away from home. She accidentally ends up in the car of two convicts who can’t exactly turn her over to the police without turning themselves in. While they try to figure out what to do with her this little girl captures their hearts and makes them want to be better men. I like it because it shows how children really can be the motivation to better ourselves.

Cloak and Dagger - An 11 year old boy who is mourning the death of his mother gets a bit carried away with his role playing a game called Cloak and Dagger. He is even seeing an imaginary friend based on the character he loves.. Jack Flack. One day Davey’s friend Morris who owns a video game shop sends Davey on an errand, where Davey witnesses a murder. Right before the victim dies, he gives Davey a Cloak & Dagger video-game cartridge that supposedly contains important military secrets. Davey seeks help from the authorities but they simply believe him to be engaging in fantasy play. Only this time its not a game.

Did you watch any of these? Or have any to add to this list of must see family classics?

In my mind one of the least “green” things about public school is the massive amount of driving involved… cars, buses, daycare vans, etc. Add to that the fact that MANY parents “idle” while waiting for their kids every day and you have massive amounts of pollution being released in school areas each day with much of it coming from parents. Last year I had no option but to drive my kids to school but this year we decided to house hunt for a place within walking or biking distance to school. We ended up being only a third of a mile from their school… perfect!

So far my son has been riding his bike to school everyday and my daughter and I walk together. We get exercise each morning and afternoon, we get to explore our neighborhood, enjoy the outdoors, we save gas, we avoid the traffic snarl of parents picking up kids, and using our feet is the eco friendlier option. When the winter comes and brings frigid temps and snow I may be singing a different tune but for now I am really enjoying these moments.

I like seeing how other people landscape their yards.. or not. ;) I like admiring my neighbor’s red, white, and blue Adirondack chairs and her beautiful mums. How could I have passed them in my car a hundred times and not seen them before??? When Halloween gets closer (my fave holiday ever!) and Christmas, I will love seeing how people decorate for the season. I like walking past perfect strangers and taking a second to say hello and chat. I like stopping at a yard sale or a toddler’s lemonade stand on the way home. Ditching the car and walking makes your community seem all that more real and valuable.

The best part though is that I get to slow the pace of life for 40-60 minutes each day and concern myself with nothing but breathing in and out and putting one foot in front of the other. I think walking my daughter to school every day is just as good for me in the long run…

Attachment Parenting International

Rita Brhel, Editor                                                      

Samantha Gray, Executive Director

editor@attachmentparenting.org                                samantha@attachmentparenting.org

The Makings of a Movement

Attachment Parenting International offers free issue of its magazine

NASHVILLE, TENN. (June 25, 2009) — Attachment Parenting International (API) is giving away free copies of its latest issue of The Attached Family, a magazine for families practicing Attachment Parenting.

Attachment Parenting is an approach to child-rearing that promotes strong emotional bonds between parents and their children through sensitivity and responsiveness to children’s emotional, as well as physical, needs – reducing the risk of mental illness, substance and alcohol abuse, juvenile delinquency, and other unhealthy behaviors that face today’s society.In celebration of the leading parenting organization’s 15th Anniversary this year, API has released a one-time-only publicly available issue of The Attached Family. This bonus edition gives readers the back-story on the makings of API and consequently the co-founders new book, Attached at the Heart. Inside, readers will find an interview with API’s co-founders Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, a book review of Attached at the Heart along with exclusive excerpts from the book, a preview of API’s summer event in Nashville, Tennessee, with such parenting gurus as Dr. William Sears, the Father of Attachment Parenting, a look into API’s future, and more.

Anyone can download a free, printable PDF copy at www.attachmentparenting.org/attachedattheheart/journal_aath.pdf.  

“We are pleased to introduce The Attached Family to all families and offer existing subscribers a special thank you with this issue. Many dedicated hands over the years have brought API to this point of regularly providing valuable parenting support and resources,” said Samantha Gray, executive director of the nonprofit organization, “and it’s a story we are honored to share.”

Attachment Parenting is based in the practice of nurturing methods that create strong emotional bonds, also known as secure attachment, between children and their parent(s). This style of parenting encourages responsiveness to children’s emotional needs, enabling children to develop trust that their needs will be met. As a result, this strong attachment helps children develop the capacity for secure, empathetic, peaceful, and enduring relationships that follow them into adulthood.

Attachment Parenting International (API) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit member organization founded in 1994 to network with parents, professionals and like-minded organizations around the world. API’s mission is to educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world. In addition to providing assistance in forming Attachment Parenting support groups, API functions as a clearinghouse providing educational materials, research information, consultative, referral and speaker services to promote Attachment Parenting concepts.

API board and advisory board members include such noted parenting authors as Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears, R.N., co-sleeping specialist Dr. James McKenna, Lu Hanessian of LetTheBabyDrive.com, Alice Miller, and Jan Hunt of the Natural Child Project, among others.

More information about Attachment Parenting International can be found at www.attachmentparenting.org.

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Kids look forward to summer vacation all throughout the school year. Parents love the idea of getting to spend a bit more time with the kids, perhaps envisioning backyard barbecues and trips to places like the zoo or a local museum. Summer vacation can start to feel a little stressful though after only a couple days when you don’t have a plan of action. Kids start to fuss about being bored and entertainment demands and expenses can get overwhelming.

After only a week or two mom and dad may be wondering what the heck they had been looking forward too in the first place because all they seem to hear is “I am bored!” or the kids are all fighting.

We had a really tough transition time this summer. Right as school let out we moved. So my two oldest kids had to deal with not only being home 24/7 but also being in a new city, away from all their friends and closest relatives. I know I often blog about the good times but it is only fair that I share the not-so good times and in the past few weeks I think we all reached the boiling point in our realm of the woods.

My oldest son has already butted heads with one of the families in our new area. I think they really resent the fact that my son (almost nine) is allowed to roam. This family keeps their kids hidden away as virtual prisoners. And no doubt this has caused problems in their household. My son rode his bike over to their house a couple times and stopped to ask if the kids could play and the father of the family came over to my house screaming like a banshee that I need to control my son and that no child should be able to roam around like that. He insisted that he “could have” run him over since he wasn’t expecting a child to be in front of his house. I was so shocked by his outburst I just let him rant and then smiled and shut the door. If I would have had a minute to digest what he was saying he would’ve gotten the finger too. I mean if you are going to come see a new neighbor and be a jerk at least make sure you have a valid complaint. I am not one of those parents that thinks the sun shines out of my kids arse but neither do I nitpick over little stuff.

Anyway, now their kids are apparently not allowed to associate with that wild child who is actually …GASP… allowed to ride his bike around the entire neighborhood!!! I feel sad for his kids. But not too much because now they are taking cues from their dad and being rude to my son for no reason.

In addition to being lonely without any of their old friends around, they miss their grandparents, who now live 1.5 hours away. They miss their old yard with a small wooded area, their play set, etc. Our old house was huge and they had their own space far away from siblings if need be. The new house is tiny and we are all thrown together quite cozily.

So when the kids started fighting like cats and dogs and totally dragging the family into some deep dark abyss and I started getting hives from the stress, I knew I had to do something drastic and that is why I haven’t blogged here in nearly a week. I decided I really need to take the summer off and devote my time and energy to making this transition as pain free as possible. This means not leaving them to their own devices but making sure they have plenty of structured, fun, play opportunities.

So starting this week our schedule looks much different. 2 days a week we are going to the zoo or the science museum. 5-6 days a week we go the local pool for swimming, sometimes in the morning and sometimes in the early evening. 1-2 mornings a week we go to free summer movies days that two chain theatres in our area are having. 1-2 days we also go hiking in one of the metro parks. The kids are being kept busy and entertained much of the time and that has helped a lot already. Early bed times due to exhaustion has been nice except mom also goes to bed early from exhaustion, LOL.

At first I resisted such an action packed schedule and was telling a friend of mine that I couldn’t devote the summer to entertaining them since I work from home, blah, blah, blah. And she just said point blank.. “And why do you work from home?”

“Uh well… cause I want to spend time with my kids… oh dagnabit you are right! I am making lame excuses.”

The fact is that it is summer time and they need me. They need me because they moved away from all their friends and their nana and papa. They need me because they are having trouble making news friends. They need me because we moved from our heaven on earth 2.5 acre plot to a teeny city lot. They need me to make this transition easier on them and I am in a position to devote my entire summer to making sure they have fun all day every day if needed. And with balancing free activities along with discounted season pass rates for other stuff we can afford all the activity too. Maybe in a few weeks I won’t be so exhausted anymore either…. that way I can get better about blogging in the evenings or early morning. ;)

What do think? Do you devote time to making sure your kids are entertained in the summer months or do you usually let them be self reliant?