It is my firm conviction that the strong-willed child usually possesses more creative potential and strength
of character than his compliant siblings, provided his parents can help him channel his impulses and gain control of his rampaging will,” Dr. James Dobson, The Strong Willed Child.
If that caption gives you hope it should as it supports the notion that all children—all people—have a unique gift that only needs to be developed through knowledge, nurturing experiences and maturity. We have strengths and the challenge is helping our children find and nurture them instead of focusing on any apparent weaknesses.
Strong willed children tend to question more than others. They won’t accept limitations readily and they believe strongly in their opinions. These actually sound like positive traits. The challenge is that in a young person who has yet to learn and mature such traits can manifest in ways that are truly frustrating for parents. Saying “no” is often the beginning of war of wills. This describes my oldest son perfectly. He is JUST like me….strongly opinionated, energized by debate, and always wanting the last word.
I am generally a “yes” parent. We don’t have boatloads of arbitrary rules and if I possibly can I always try to say yes. But when I do have to say no my son knows how to push my buttons.
“You are not meeting my needs….and this makes me upset with you.”
“You are not treating me with respect.”
“You are not treating me the way YOU want to be treated.”
Yes, he has a tendency to be dramatic. I give him props for trying to turn my own words around on me even if they are skewed to try and change a situation he doesn’t like.
Denying a strong willed child is difficult but so important if necessary in a given situation. How a parent says no is the important part. It takes patience, control and consistency to get through to a strong-willed child. They need you to know that you’ve listened and considered their view point. They also need explanations. While time consuming, these are all valid requests. The hard part is when your decision is still the safest and the most correct decision given the circumstances and it is contrary to what your child wants to do. As a parent you have to be firm but loving in your decision but it is important they they feel heard and valued all the same. Listening and redirecting works wonders for my son.
Try to explain things in terms of outcomes—especially those outcomes that have direct impact on your child.
Let’s say your 5-year old child is screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the department store. She wants to go to the toy department “NOW!”
Here’s a suggested reply: “We can’t go to the toy store now Cindy because we have to go home to prepare dinner. Remember after dinner you and I are going to make strawberries topped with whip cream for desert – your favorite treat!”
Discussing options in this article is really the easy part. The difficulty is having the patience and frame of mind to explain in a calm, loving but very firm way that your decision is best for everyone, including your strong-willed child. It also means that when it isn’t best, but perhaps just something you are being a stickler about, you can and should change your mind and say yes. Don’t be afraid to say you made a mistake.
This is tough for many parents because most of us were raised that children should be “controlled”. When parents say no there is no argument or debate…mom and dad have the final word and they can’t give in even a little bit. But I have opted for connection instead of coercion in our family. It is a partnership…not a dictatorship. I always ask myself “How would I feel if someone said or did this to me?” If I am not 100% okay with someone doing or saying that to me then I know I need to change tactics.
It isn’t easy raising a strong-willed child but how gratifying for you and also your child to know that regardless of the disagreements the love is always there and unconditional. It is important to remember that we can’t teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. They will behave better when they feel better.
If someone told me I was I was a lazy bump on a log would I feel motivated and energized to help around the house? Uh…no.
Lastly, we also need to realize that children only imitate what they see.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, buy they have never failed to imitate them. – James Baldwin
I know full well where my son gets his strong willed personality. ME! And my husband reminds me of that fact every day. ;) I just have to get creative when meeting his needs and hope that I get a break with my other two, LOL. If he has anything like my drive and ambition then look out everyone!
Some books in my own parenting library that I LOVE that you might like:
Connection Parenting – Parenting through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear by Pam Leo This is a workbook too!
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
Parenting the Strong Willed Child
Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort
Raising Children Compassionately – Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way by Marshall B . Rosenberg Ph.D. This is a really small book and you could read it in under and hour.
Your Child’s Strengths by Jenifer Fox
So tell me about your own struggles with strong willed children. What works or doesn’t work for you?
I have been wanting to read this book and your blog has made me decide to finally buy it. My daughter, although 20 months, is very strong willed. Both her father and I are the same and it can be trying at times to discipline her. I grew up in a family where children should be controlled and seen not heard. Raising my daughter the opposite way is important to me. So thanks again for bringing up a great subject and reminding me for myself that this is a strength, not a weakness.
It’s amazing how timely things are. I needed this post so much tonight! My son is 5.5 and is very strong willed. He’s also extremely smart, witty, sensitive, and lately, tiring!!! However, I realize those attributes that I find difficult to deal with at times will certainly be huge assets for him someday. I have to remember to find a balance and appreciate him for who he is, all of him.
I am reading Jennifer Fox’s book now, “Your Child’s Strengths” and does it make sense or what?
Thanks for covering this topic.
You have a knack of discussing exactly what I need to hear. There were some points I really needed to hear…. Howard Glasser has written three wonderful books “Transforming the Difficult Child,” “The Inner Wealth Initiative” (for schools), and his latest “All Children Flourishing.” He focuses on a lot of what you discussed. Thanks again for all the wonderful information you provide.
I can totally relate to you about raising a strong willed child. My 12 year old son is very strong willed and smart as a whip. If there is a loop hole in what I say he will find it and get around whatever I tell him. I have found that a lot of thought and patience has to go into everything I say to him. I read The Strong Willed Child when my son was only 3 and I recommend it to anyone with a strong willed child. I do have one question I am thinking about home schooling my son and one of my biggest fears is that we will butt head because we are so alike do you have any suggestions on books or web site I should check out? Any info would be appreciated. Thank you.
Oh wow. The previous comment sounds like my situation. 4 year old that is so strong willed and we butt heads all the time! I want to home school also and am also fearful of us having it out all the time.
Great subject matter today. Thanks! I love James Dobson! I was so excited to read that quote from him. Awesome!
My oldest child is not only the classic “strong willed child” he has ENDLESS energy! The child needs no sleep or food! And he never stops talking/singing/whining/squealing.
I DO take comfort in your opening words…maybe all of this difficulty will pay off when he really “comes into his own”
I’ve got a strong willed 5 year old and the best thing that works for us is Love and Logic. “Parentlng with Love and Logic” is an amazing book that will teach you how to give acceptable choices (you’ve picked them) so that the child feels somewhat in control but in the end you are getting them to do what YOU want. For example, it used to be a struggle to get my son to put his clothes on in the morning. I’d say “do you want to put them on here in the living room or in your room? You pick” He’s pick the living room and the clothes would come on. He felt in “control” by being allowed to pick the spot but in the end the clothes came on which was my original goal. Check it out……..it’s awesome!
Jennifers last blog post..I love my DVR
I think I will have to get these great suggestions from the library! My dd is quite strong willed, my dad says its payback time. Generally, she focuses that will on fashion choices though, and that just ain’t mama!
Jennifer, I have that book but have yet to read it. I think I need to take it on vacation with me next week.
Thank you for all the book suggestions people have left within the comments and the article itself. Just to say, I am a home educating mum of a seven year old, who is ‘strong willed’ (so much so that her teachers ‘didn’t know how to cope with her’, despite their years of experience because they had never met such a spirited child! That is one of the reasons I took her out of school).
yes, it can be done. I guess the secret is not to sweat the small stuff and to have lots of faith. These choleric kids will turn out to be sensational adults – they are the movers and shakers of the world. The ones who will bring about change.
We have to trust and not fight with them. The reason they are so strong willed is that they have come onto the earth plane with a real sense of who they are. We fight because they push our buttons and hold up our mirrors. Hands up who’s spirited child is their greatest teacher!!
My daughter has bought me the most wonderful learning – she is forcing me to look at myself, deal with my issues and find my own inner strength.
They are so driven and motivated that they cannot fail. We do nowhere near the amount of ‘school work’ I thought we would, but I know my daughter will turn out ok. We just compare them to the rest of society and panic.
Let’s face it – they are not like the rest of society, so why bother comparing and worrying about school results? Just keep them home, where they are loved and understood instead of putting them into a place where they will be alien (and probably be labelled as disruptive).
Keep being respectful, honest and open with them and they’ll be fine :) Losing your temper is fine too – we’re all human, we all have our weaknesses, but, as Tiffany says, it’s ok to admit you’ve made a mistake. They admire the honesty.
I think it’s important to put boundaries in place so that you get some ‘me time’ when you have a strong willed child – you can deal with them much more if your batteries are fully charged.
love and light to all,
Mrs Green x
Mrs Greens last blog post..Compost Awareness Week Sunday 4th to Saturday 10th May
The best book I have read on this subject is Hold Onto Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. He promotes attachment parenting, saying that in order to work through counterwill we need to first connect with our children. I wrote my own blog post on this idea at http://www.practicalnourishment.com/index.php?id=7327264044336778034
The best thing we ever did for our strong-willed child was putting him in a bicycle seat and riding 9300 miles around the USA and Mexico! That journey was an absolutely incredible experience for him and he learned a lot on how to control himself.
Now we are getting ready to do it again – this time we’ll pedal from Alaska to Argentina – and I’m sure he will finish this trip knowing exactly where he stands. (you can read about our journey at http://www.familyonbikes.org)
Honestly? It sounds to me like a recipe for spending my entire day explaining myself to a six-year-old.
My six yr old son has been making me crazy!!! While thoroughly stubborn myself, he’s unyielding! It’s a battle over every little thing right now. I don’t mind negotiations and always try to listen to his ideas, but I cannot stand disrespect and he’s been crossing the line. I’m at my wit’s end, but it’s SO nice to know I’m not alone out here with it. I’m going to the bookstore tomorrow to check out some of these titles!
Thanks!
Not Hopeless Just Yet,
Julia
My husband and I have recently started counseling with our soon-to-be 3 yr old son. He has the best of us most days because of his strong will. It is amazing what he has accomplished without us even knowing it. Now we are starting the process of planning more structured time for play and ways we can give him loving support for both the good and bad behaviors that are coming into play now. He went from being a really smart early talker to having us running around scratching our heads at aggressive, controlling behavior in about 6 months. I am reading SOS Help For Parents by Lynne Clarke, and it has great tecniques we plan on trying. Anyone know of other books that speak to dealing with a strong willed child? We need all the help we can get right now. Under-educated = Under-equipped! Thanks!!!
Thank you. . .I was blessed with two strong-willed children, one girl and one boy. AHHH! They are great though.
Hi all – Just stumbled upon this website. I just listened to a great audio download by Dr. Laura Markham called “Parenting the Strong Willed Child”. You can get it from her website which is ahaparenting.com. It was extremely helpful!! Good luck all!
I have just stumbled upon your site searching for some sort of information that may help us with our strong willed 3 year old. Until I started searching for clues, tips… anything that may helps us deal with it, I really had no idea what it was we were dealing with. Our pediatrician always said it was just the terrible two’s stage and jealousy of his younger sister (who’s 2 years old) and that it would eventually pass. It hasn’t. It’s worse. We have the occasional “good” day but most days are a struggle. Most of the characteristics you described sound like my son even though there are some differences.
My son at home can make a nice afternoon into a living hell in a matter of seconds. He’s extremely smart and can turn any situation to how he wants it if we’re not careful. When we don’t allow him something, say watching a particular tv show because it is not suitable for his age, he can scream and cry for hours on end. When he finally gives in to the fact that NO means NO, he finds something else to argue with us about… trying to find something that will get him what he wants. We have to carefully watch what we say and how we say it. We are still struggling with this as remaining calm, patient and not losing control is not always easy. Taking him grocery shopping is a nightmare and there have been many times when we have had to pick him up and leave. Trying to divert his attention to something else just gets us nowhere. I read somewhere recently where they suggested making a kids picture grocery list for them to be ticking off each item that needs to be bought and I thought it was a great idea. I made one up and it worked the first time we tried it out. By the following grocery shopping trip he didn’t want anything to do with it.
I take comfort in the fact that at school my son is nothing like he is at home. In Spain, where we live, kids start school at the age of 3 and in our first parent-teacher meeting the kid she was describing did not sound like our own. In class he’s attentive, loves learning, looks out for his classmates, participates in all class activities…. he sounded like the perfect student. I asked to see the school psychologist despite the resistance from my son’s teacher as in class he is “normal”. I eventually got the appointment only to be told that he is just like any other student and shows no signs of being hyperactive or having attention deficit disorder and could not help me as the problem is outside the school. The school psychologist suggested I ask our pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist. Once again I met with resistance but made it clear I was not leaving until I got that referral.
So to cut a long story short, we have been going to a child psychologist for the last 3 months and getting nowhere. My son is not required to go to the monthly sessions and they work with the parents instead. We’ve been told there is no name for the way he is and that it’s just a “phase” which he will eventually grow out of. We get reminded of that at every meeting. I was not expecting miracles but reality is that we have not made any progress. So when I came across your article I could relate to it. I’ve gained a lot just from your article and wish I had found it earlier. The only progress we have made with the psychologist is that there is a possibility he could be above average in intelligence but have been told that until he is 5 or 6 years old we will not know for sure. My son’s teacher thinks otherwise and insists he is just “normal” like the rest of his classmates.
You mentioned at one point that strong willed kids need explanations. This is just what the psychologist has told us not to do. We haven’t listened to her on this point and when we think the explanations are necessary we do so. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. My son is the one that demands the explanations if we say NO to something or why we can’t go out with his friends after school on a particular day for example. He wants to know why. And then there are those times when we ask him why he has reacted in such a way and he can perfectly explain to you why. He has his own thoughts and reasoning and sometimes it even makes sense. The psychologist tells us it’s impossible for someone so young to be able to explain why he reacts the way he does, but my son can perfectly do so. This works for us but of course it has be once he has calmed down, and that’s the hard part because it can last from say 5 minutes to a few hours if we don’t try putting a stop to it, which is easier said than done.
We haven’t really come across anything that has really worked for us. We have a son who appears smarter and wiser than other kids his own age, and watch out when he doesn’t get what he wants. On a “good” day he is loving, caring, helps out around the house, helps his sister putting on her clothes… you name it. On a good day he’s a beautiful child who tells you all the time how much he loves you.
Thanks for your article. It has been a great help and now to try getting hold of some of the books you recommended.