Spanking Is NOT an Effective Parenting Tool - Nature Moms Spanking Is NOT an Effective Parenting Tool

A child misbehaves by poking, kicking or similarly assaulting another child. The parent grabs him by the arm and slaps him for hitting that child. Hmm… what’s wrong with this picture? Is this effective parenting or something else?

Or maybe a child runs into the street after their parent just told them not too. So the parent drags them into the house by the arm and paddles their backside telling them that they “could” have been hurt. Of course the child is fairly certain they did just get hurt… by their mom or dad…. not by a car in the street. Again… is spanking teaching kids what we think it does???

Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. It also teaches children that it is okay to use physical violence to control other people and situations. Spanking teaches kids that it is okay to hit the people you love. Spanking teaches them nothing that will be useful or helpful in their adult lives or that will help them to communicate with other people.

Usually when parents talk about discipline they are talking about behavior that they would like to correct in their children. But what is forcing them to do what we want by creating “painful” consequences really teaching them? There is no better way to teach our children then to behave in a way that is considered respectful, fair and appropriate. We need to model the behavior we want our kids to adopt. Slapping or spanking a child is a behavior not considered respectful or even civil so why would we want to subject children to such “behavior”?

Most parents would agree with this simple logic but yet they still spank. Why? Perhaps it is because they were spanked themselves; hence they simply model the behavior of their own parents. Many times though, parents spank because they can’t figure out what else to do. Spanking is quick and usually addresses the problem immediately. Talking, reasoning, teaching, and empathizing all sound good… but they also sound emotionally draining and time consuming. Spanking is easier sure but is it the best way to teach a child? I don’t think so. Many non-spankers have come to call their parenting style the “Get Off Your Butt” method. Parenting is tough and spanking is a weak recourse that is used when you don’t know how to handle a situation.

Our children deserve the best …they deserve parents that have learned creative ways to teach and discipline without resorting to corporal punishment. They deserve parents with a more peaceful approach to discipline.

Why Spanking Doesn’t Work

There are many advocates for corporal punishment (spanking) that argue that children who misbehave (or seriously misbehave) will only respond to spanking and that parents who do not spank such kids “spoil” them. As stated above, spanking teaches kids that violence is a good way to handle difficult situations.

One of TV’s more popular advice experts, psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, notes on his website (www.drphil.com) that research has shown that “long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency.”

No matter what immediate benefits that spanking may bring (stopping the misbehavior) to the parents, do they also want to accept the potential long term and disastrous consequences?

In many cases parents spank because they simply don’t have any ideas or approaches to stop the misbehavior that do not include spanking. Many parents simply raise their children in the manner that they were raised. Often times parents do things without even being aware that they are repeating a behavior they were taught as a child.

So how do parents break the “spanking cycle”? A good way is to become informed about the alternative ways of discipline. These alternatives may be more time consuming and frustrating but on one ever said parenting was easy.

Take the time to talk to your child. It may take a while for your child to respond to “talking” but with consistency and firmness in your approach it can be a much more satisfying and educational moment for both you and your child.

Whether the child is 3 or 9, taking the time to express and communicate your displeasure with a behavior is a rich learning moment. It may not feel that way at the time, but by honesty and sincerely expressing your discontent in language that reaches your child, you are showing real concern and engaging your child in a way that teaches him respect and good communication.

The consistent show of respect and patience in listening to your child explain his behavior will teach your child the importance of dignity and compassion during those times when it matters most.

You will be exhausted and it will take likely far greater effort than a spanking, but the benefit will far outweigh the inconvenience of fatigue. You don’t have to be perfect as a parent; you just have to be willing to take each disciplinary experience as a learning one for you and your child. They kids may not be the only ones who needs to learn a thing or two.

Spanking Is NOT Biblical

There is a very large faction of parents that spank their children for religious reasons. They believe that God WANTS them to spank their children. The Bible has lots of excellent advice for parenting and family but the decree from God to spank our children just isn’t there. Christians who opt to spank their kids need to realize that their actions are NOT sanctioned by any passages in the Bible. The decision to spank is a personal parenting decision and nothing more. Don’t use the Bible as justification.

Christians have been taught for years that the scripture at Prov. 13:24 proves that spanking is approved of and even endorsed in the Bible.

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him – Prov. 13:24, New International Version

There are four basic reasons why using this scripture as evidence that God WANTS us to spank children is pure foolishness.

1. The word rod can literally be translated as a stick or a staff. The “assumption” is that this must be a weapon for hitting but yet when we look at other instances where this word is used we see a rod is NOT a weapon or a hitting implement. The word rod is also used in reference to shepherds. They use rods to guide their sheep and to help lift them when they get stuck or tangled. Shepards did not “hit” their sheep with these rods. If anything we should take the use of the word rod to mean we need to guide our kids, help them when they get lost, and lead them in the way they should go like a shepherd leads their flock.

2. The word discipline comes from the root word disciple. A disciple follows the teachings of someone and to discipline would be to TEACH. Somewhere along the way, various churches and translation groups have decided to make discipline synonymous with punishment and chastisement but the word actually refers to teaching. So when we read in the Bible that we must not withhold discipline it is saying we should not withhold our instruction and guidance. We should not allow our kids to run wild with no parental instruction. A loving parent will teach and guide their child and not leave them to their own devices.

3. This scripture is often changed in various Bible translations. The version you see above is a very close translation, however many other Bible translations have changed the verse to say things like “He who beats his son, loves his son” and “Whoever refuses to spank his son hates him”. How can you trust your Bible or your minister when they have changed the meaning of the scriptures like that?

4. The verse at Proverbs was written by King Solomon who had 700 wives and was not the best example to follow. If we want an example to imitate we should imitate the greatest teacher of all time… Jesus Christ. He disciplined in love and kindness and there are many passages that show how he related to children and he never hit them once.

In short, spanking is not endorsed or suggested in the Bible as many believe. Spanking is not a Biblical directive and Christians need to be aware of that. If anything, spanking does not fit within the overall theme of the Bible. How does causing physcial pain to your child compare to love, being long suffering, kindness, being slow to anger, turning the other cheek, etc? It doesn’t fit and it doesn’t make sense that the Bible or God would endorse spanking.

Now Hold On There Just a Minute…

You may be reading this article and thinking to yourself that YOU know some parents who have chosen not to spank and their kids are a bunch of wild brats! How do I know this? Well, as a non-spanking parent this is exactly what I hear from other parents, ALL THE TIME. Everyone knows a guy, who knows a guy, whose knows someone, who doesn’t spank, and their kids are straight from the devil!!

Please understand that choosing not to spank does not mean you are choosing to not parent effectively. Adopting a more respectful and peaceful parenting style is not synonymous with lazy, uninvolved parenting. And there ARE many lazy uninvolved parents out there but attachment parents are not among them. There are many parents who may choose not spank because they themselves were spanked or abused as kids. Unfortunately many take it a bit too far and withhold any type of guidance that may be “perceived” by their kids as controlling or authoritarian. They are more concerned with being a friend to their child than being a parent and these kids will often learn that it is they, not their parents, who control the family dynamic and call the shots. Still other parents who do not spank have not consciously chosen NOT too… they just avoid any issues that require effort on their part. It is easier for them to allow their kids to do as they please rather than try to discipline. These parents are not humanitarians… they are just lazy.

Parents who consciously choose a more respectful and peaceful way to co-exist with their kids, such as attachment parents, have chosen not to spank for all the reasons listed in this article. But they do not allow the family dynamic to be altered so much that the kids run the show and they become the helpless audience. They work with their kids to find compromise that the whole family can live with, they communicate and develop and attachment to their kids so that their kids trust them and confide in them. The children know their needs will be met so they have few reasons to rebel or act out. They do not see control and manipulation being modeled by their parents and so it is not something they see as advantageous to them.

So in short… NO… our kids are not wild, disrespectful brats and here is why. Key aspects of peaceful, attached, connected parenting include:

* Encouraging positive behavior

* Having realistic expectations and an understanding of age appropriate behaviors

* Expression of feelings through words rather than actions

* Helping children to learn acceptable ways to express excitement and frustration

* Using positive communication skills

* Motivating your children through love not fear or intimidation

* Empowering children by acknowledging their ability to assume responsibilities and make decisions

* Disciplining as a teaching method – not as punishment or a coercion tactic

* Helping children to understand that mistakes are inevitable and love is not conditional

* Resolving conflicts in a respectful and peaceful way

* Creating a safe and engaging environment for our children