A reader recently asked me if I felt it was better to raise kids with less space and stuff. I have written about this several times but my posts on Minimalist Children, Helping Kids See Past Commercialism , and Simplicity Parenting come to mind. I am no parenting expert by any means and my kids manage to throw me for a loop all the time but in regards to this issue I think my husband and I have found something that seems to work very well for us. It was a journey to get there though. We certainly didn’t start our married lives or our family with any intention of being minimalist anything.

When we got married we did what many new couples seem to do in this day and age… we got ourselves into debt because we felt entitled to the big house, new cars, and nice things right from the moment we said “I do.” Our grandparents and likely our parents had to work their way up to having nice things and nice homes. If they wanted a big TV and new car they worked their arses off and raised the money for it. It they wanted to go on a family vacation they saved all year for it and paid for everything in cash. Now though the attitude that we deserve all the nice possessions and fancy vacations even before we have worked hard for them seems to prevail. It was only a couple years after marriage that we found ourselves drowning in debt. All the nice things we charged to credit cards did not make us happy. Our first child was barely two before we started thinking about bailing out on each other because life was just too stressful. We did kind of bail out on each other I guess because my husband took a job were he traveled all but 4-5 days a month. We had to find a way to pay for all this debt after all.

Because we felt we were entitled to it all, it makes logical sense that we passed this on to our first child. The kid filled an entire walk-in closet (the size of a bedroom in our current house)  full of his toys and there were plenty more to bleed all over the house. Literally every single time I went to the store (which was a lot) I bought him more toys and clothes.

I am not sure exactly what caused us to shift our lifestyle exactly but I think learning about attachment parenting and green living helped move us toward a new understanding and life philosophy. Maybe we were just sick and tired of messy finances, clutter in our lives, and spending most of our days apart because we were reckless and irresponsible. Either way we changed.

Shortly after the birth of our third child my husband returned home and took a local job. I had created a business working at home and felt a sense of accomplishment and pride I hadn’t felt in a long while. We were suddenly debt free and not wanting to make the mistakes we had in our past. We financed a new “used” car but paid it off in only 6 months. We paid for a second vehicle with cash.  We got rid of all credit cards. We decided to downgrade our home and move into one with barely over 1000 square feet. We now live in one with 1100 square feet. ;) We found new forms of entertainment that didn’t revolve around spending money. We nixed buying the kids anything unless it was a birthday or holiday. The perks I get from blogging are an exception, although 8 times out of 10 we donate the stuff as soon as we review it. We buy all our clothing at thrift stores. That was very drastic but for my two youngest it is just the way life is and they don’t see anything wrong with it. Our older child has had a much harder time with it because he remembers the days of excess. He has tossed around words like cheap and selfish when he cannot get something he wants. We don’t budge because we KNOW we are on the right track.

We know this because our marriage has improved 100% and our daily stress has gone down to almost nothing. Our kids are still happy and healthy even though they aren’t being bombarded with all the new toys and gadgets of this consumerist society. Of course there is still room for improvement. As I mentioned before, we are still on the messy side where finances are concerned. But we no longer spend more than we earn and we don’t have debt. Just recently we started putting money away for emergencies and retirement the way we should have been doing all along. We buy Amazon gift certificates once a week before the holidays so that everything is prepaid and we have no issue getting the kids what they want. And we don’t go crazy. They get one big ticket item and one small item. If they get lots of gifts from family then they have to donate some other stuff so that it evens out.

We went from stress, clutter, overspending, and lots of unhappiness and did a 180 with our lives. Here are a few of the ways we handle things now and make life more minimalist and manageable.

• When something new comes into the house, something else needs to be sold or donated.
• Kids are expected to work around the house daily (15 minute clean-up) AND keeps their rooms clean.
• Furniture and personal belongings are kept to a minimum so that cleaning is easy to manage.
• If you can’t keep your room clean you have too much STUFF and some of it needs to go.
• If we don’t love it and use it often then we can do without it.
• Everything needs a place to call home, preferably one that its out of sight.
• Buying used is always preferable to buying new.
• We don’t DO fancy round these parts. Simple and easy is more our style.
• Limit media consumption so that demands for new “stuff” wanes.
• Act like a one car household by sending hubby to work with the keys to the other vehicle.
• If you are bored… read.
• Feeling antsy? Exercise or play a game.
• Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.

What works for you? I would love to hear!

A Guest Post by Joella

My pregnancy with my daughter was unexpected. My husband (fiancé at the time) and I planned on having children eventually, but hadn’t given much thought to it, since we thought that “eventually” was still a few years away. Sure, we’d spent enough time discussing our views on parenting that we were confident we were mostly on the same page, but we certainly hadn’t nailed down the specifics.

As I spent time researching all the choices out there, I’d come to him with what I’d learned, sometimes nervously anticipating his reaction. I knew he supported breastfeeding, but for how long? What would he think about child-led weaning, or nursing in public? I knew that he was an environmentalist to some degree, but would he think cloth diapers were taking it too far? What about co-sleeping and bed-sharing? Would he be on board?

Perhaps the most nerve-wracking discussion of all was about what we’d feed our daughter when she was ready for more than my milk. He understood and supported my vegetarianism. He was a vegetarian himself when we first met, and willingly agreed to maintain a vegetarian household when he moved in with me. What about our daughter? Would he support a vegetarian diet for her, too?

My nerves were un-warranted. His main concern was that our daughter would not feel pressured into maintaining a dietary choice such as vegetarianism against her will. We agreed to raise her as a vegetarian until she is old enough to comprehend the process –all the way from living breathing animal to lifeless cut on a plate- by which meat becomes meat.

So far, for the most part, it’s been a rather simple parenting choice to uphold. We’re both mindful and knowledgeable enough about nutrition to ensure that she gets everything she needs from a vegetarian diet. Our own parents, while they may not understand our decision, are respectful and supportive of it. Our part-time daycare provider does a great job of communicating with us about the lunch menu at daycare. When meat is on it, we provide our daughter’s lunch.

Of course, we get the occasional good-humored “joking” comment that our daughter “looks like she wants a hamburger” or that she’ll rebel by marrying a butcher. We sometimes get curious questions about what she eats. I always answer that she eats whatever I eat, and that I eat whatever I want!

There is a misconception that vegetarian diets are complicated or include lots of strange foods. Yes, we eat things like tofu and tempeh, but I find those far less strange to eat than liver or legs! At 14 months old, my daughter enjoys everything from burritos to lasagna, stir fry to omelets, sandwiches to spaghetti, and stew to curry. She even gets to eat typical kid fare like “chik’n” nuggets and pizza.

At this point in her life, it’s relatively simple to control what she is offered and exposed to. Since we fix her plate for her, it’s easy to avoid having meat within her reach. I’m sure my mom feels like I’m playing twenty questions when I inquire about what they’ll be eating while my daughter is in her care, but non-vegetarians don’t always think of obscure non-vegetarian ingredients like gelatin in marshmallows or meat-based broths in “vegetable” soups.

As she grows more curious and independent, we’ll need to be ever more vigilant about what goes into her mouth. She might mistake an actual chicken nugget or hamburger for the convincing veggie substitutes she’s accustomed to. When she starts asking why certain foods that other people eat (even her father, occasionally) are off-limits, we’ll begin explaining in an age appropriate manner that we value animals as friends, not food, and start making basic connections between the animals she sees on the farms on the drive out to her grandma’s house and the food items that we’d prefer she pass by until she fully understands them.

The main argument that people make against our decision to give our daughter a vegetarian start in life is that it should be her choice whether or not she wants to be a vegetarian. I couldn’t agree more. I won’t deny that if the day comes that she decides to add meat to her diet, I’ll be a little bit sad, but I will support her decision so long as it is an informed one. By raising her as a vegetarian until she can make that decision for herself, we are giving her a choice: a choice to have been a life-long vegetarian from conception, a choice few people are offered. I’m confident that whether she grows to embrace my vegetarian values or not, she’ll appreciate and have respect for where her food comes from, an appreciation and respect that is all too often lacking in the world today.

Joella writes Fine and Fair, a blog of letters to her daughter. Fine and Fair is focused on the ups and downs along the journey of raising her daughter as a responsible citizen of the world with the values of compassion toward all living things, environmental responsibility, conservation, and celebrating diversity in all of its forms. Fine and Fair can also be found on facebook and twitter.

Last week I grabbed The Explosive Child from my local library book shelf. I was browsing the parenting titles looking for a specific book on bullies and this one just jumped out at me. I guess the universe provides what you need. As I picked it up I was hesitant because I don’t like books with Dr. Phil-esque advice about finding their currency and punishing your kids until they shape up. But I read through the first chapter, aptly named The Waffle Episode. I knew I would take the book home after I quickly acknowledged that yes, the waffle episode or similar, was something that is very familiar to me.

The book addresses how to understand and approach parenting easily frustrated or chronically inflexible children. Some outsiders may see a child like that and call them bratty, tyrannical, a little monster, or something similar but what this book addresses is that some kids are “explosive” not by choice or because of bad parenting but because they are mentally incapable of handling frustration. Frustration tolerance and flexibility are skills that we learn as we develop and some kids have a delay or handicap where these skills are concerned, just like a child might have a learning disability. Calling a child a brat insinuates that they are deliberately being antagonistic or willful. With these children there is nothing deliberate about their behavior. They know what you expect of them and they know when they are doing right or wrong but when they get frustrated they don’t have the skills to stay calm or think rationally… they just implode.

Common advice from therapists who deal with these children is to use a punishment and rewards system. But Dr. Greene’s advice in this book is to not go down that path because it doesn’t work for these children. As he says, they are black and white children living in a grey world. They know what you expect of them and they would love to have the rewards and avoid the punishments but they are chronically incapable of meeting your expectations when they don’t have the skills to handle frustration. A rewards and punishment system is just giving them ammunition of sorts… a whole lot MORE to be frustrated about. Conventional parenting ideas usually revolve around the idea that children will do well if they want to. Dr. Green’s believes “children will do well if they can”. LOVE it.

So what do you do with an explosive child? Well, there are three paths outlined in the book that parents can take… Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. Plan A is an authoritarian “my way or the highway” approach. Plan C is a very passive “whatever you want, I give up” approach. Plan B involves negotiating and resolving conflict together with mutually beneficial solutions. It involves modeling for them the EXACT behaviors and skills they haven’t mastered yet. You teach them how to deal with frustration without explosions and how to see “options” in their black and white mindset. You also have to understand that it is a disability and that you cannot take things too personally. When your child screams “I HATE you!” they are acting on impulse and didn’t know a better way to say… “Mom I am really upset right now about something mean someone said to me at school today and you lecturing me about my messy room was the last straw.”

It is a wonderful book that gives solid advice and stays focused on “helping” the children not punishing them for something they can’t control. It also shows clearly how the parental reaction can be water that douses the fire or an accelerant that ignites it even further.

I recommend it to all moms struggling with explosions, including children who have an ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) diagnosis.

I LOVE this song by Mindy Gledhill called Hourglass. I listen to it when I have had a rough parenting day and I need to remember to be present, in the moment, and joyful with my kids. It is so beautiful…

You and I could hitch a ride and fly away to Neverland, give our best to Peter Pan.

There is a growing trend toward minimalism and voluntary simplicity. I have written about it many times here. We made a huge leap towards minimalism and a more simple life last year. We moved from a large house in the suburbs to a small 1000 square foot house in the city. We downgraded to one car and we got rid of 50% of our belongings. You kind of have to when you move into a smaller place. It was a wonderful experience and has helped us see more clearly what kind of life we want to shape.

We are moving again to a better area of town and a slightly nicer home but it is only 300 square feet bigger and lucky for us that wiggle room translates into better closet space (so we can ditch our dressers), a dishwasher, and an extra bathroom. Once again we chose a place that is right next to one of the major Metro Parks because being close to nature is what we value. It was only after living so simply that we can move into this equally modest home and feel like we are living luxuriously. And because we don’t want to move tons of stuff.. even if it is way less than what we had a year ago… we have given away or sold another 50% of our stuff.

Another benefit is seen in the kids. They use to be big time beggars for new stuff and they rarely showed appreciation when they got the stuff they wanted… it was just expected. Now they ask for a lot less and they appreciate what they do get, more.

When you choose to raise your children in a frugal, non-consumerism sort of way, you are going against a powerful advertising media. Images of the latest movie and its accompanying toys, video games, and action figures are all over the walls, cups, trays, and containers of fast-food restaurants. Television commercials tempt your children with compelling advertising, making your children think they just have to have the latest cereal, candy, video game, or toy.

Some families are collectors every modern convenience there is. You take your child to Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s house, and the Smiths have every imaginable gadget. Your child gleefully plays with the electronic games and toys, thoroughly enjoys the big plastic kitchen, and watches all kinds of DVDs. You may even feel guilty, thinking you are depriving your child of all this fun.

What can you do to counteract the materialism that still dominates much of our culture?

* Don’t feel guilty. Modern parents are made to feel as if they are depriving their children of “the best” if they don’t sign them up for every lesson, take them to every movie, or buy them every brain-enhancing toy. Advertising companies are paying billions of dollars to make you think this. It is not reality… it is a fictional version of reality they are selling. Let it go. Don’t “buy” into it. You are not depriving your children; you are enhancing their mental and emotional development by letting the real world around them captivate and interest them. Do you think the Smiths’ kids are really better off because they spend all their free time in front of a television or playing with a DSI?

* Minimize media first. This includes movies and television. After all, it is advertising that manipulates us into thinking we need this and that. If possible, get rid of cable entirely. We opted to get Netflix and stream it to our TV via our Wii.. which was a gift. We get a lot of gifts now from family who think we are deprived, LOL. Anyway, the Wii is not played very much. Instead they use it to get on demand movies via Netflix. No commercials!!!! You can also choose to limit TV to DVDs or videos, preferably those that you check out from the library. And speaking of the library…

* Use it! The library is there for a reason. Plan a trip with your kids at least once a month. Stock up on books and other materials, and take advantage of free library programs. Many local libraries host various children’s activities from storytime to matinee movies to live music.

* Involve your children in cleaning clutter and donating to charity. Let them help, but make limits and rules so they don’t end up keeping everything. Give them a box and tell them you expect them to fill it with stuff they don’t use or play with. Tell them you are filling your own box too and do it. You can also Freecycle the boxes of toys if you prefer.

* When you do go to the Smiths’ house, talk to your children beforehand. Let them know that the Smiths have a different lifestyle than you do. Don’t be critical of them, but help your child “own” your frugal lifestyle by emphasizing that minimalism is your way of life. I tell my kids that our minimalist lifestyle is what allows us to have season passes to the zoo, science center, water park, ect. It also allows us to take vacations and it allows them to go fishing a couple times a week, like they love because mom and dad don’t have to work as much as the Smiths do. We value life experiences and spending time with family more than accumulating “stuff”.

* The Smiths are nice, of course, but it’s helpful to look for families with children who have a similar minimalist philosophy. When your children get together, they can enjoy being creative together and won’t come away with “green eyes” of envy.

It is not an overnight process to change things if your kids have developed a taste for living a life of excess but it can be done and everyone can be a lot happier for it. We are not against buying things that make our life easier or more enjoyable but we are against mindless consumption and raising our kids to link their self worth to how much cool stuff they have.

What about you? How do you counteract the effects of media and modern society in your home?