Keepers of the Children

This week I read an amazing parenting book called Keepers of the Children – Native American Wisdom and Parenting by Laura M. Ramirez. The author is married to a Native American man and uses her knowledge of their customs, practices, and unique viewpoints to show how being a parent is a growth process. We grow and evolve (if we are doing it right) just as much as our children do.

I have always loved many of the ideas and customs of Native Americans and spent quite  bit of time on reservations in Arizona as a child. A couple of my dearest friends throughout college where Native Americans. The way they raise their kids to be one with nature has always compelled me, even choosing names that have some reference to the natural world. I loved the songs, the dances, the chanting, the prayer (which is so unlike anything else I have seen), and the dedication to children.

This book starts out by telling a story called Spirit Boy and the Gift of Turquoise. It uses this story to show parenting mistakes and how to fix them.

The first chapter is about raising your kids with vision. Not in the sense that they have vision but that you use your own vision to guide your parenting decisions. You envision the end results you want and work backwards to figure out exactly what you need to accomplish those things. Ramirez uses an E.A.R.A. method to demonstrate this. It stands for envision, act, reflect, adjustments. I thought it was simple and brilliant. She even shows us her own death bed vision of all the things she would want her boys to have to say about her on her death bed. When you envision the “result” you want then you can figure out what actions will accomplish that.

For instance, one thing she mentioned was that she wants her boys to understand that not all adults will have the best interests of children in mind. She wanted her kids to remember how she defended them from adults who manipulated and shamed them and to realize that they did not have to blindly follow authority. LOVE that!

So after reading it and of course agreeing that I too want my kids to think that way of me I started visualizing all the ways I could make that happen. For me it means advocating for my kids at school and realizing that teachers and school administrators don’t always know best and telling them such. Even if my kids are in public schools I can help empower them. No offense to my religious audience but it also means not letting their religious friends and associates shame them or make them feel as though they are bad when their choices differ. Having grown up in a religion that used shame with abandon this is a biggie for me. It means allowing them to develop as they will, and not on the schedule of the adults around them. It means modeling certain things like sharing, manners, and affection and allowing them to learn by example and not be pressured by the adult expectations around them. I really like this E.A.R.A method.

I also liked the section on vision quests. I have long been fascinated with these and feel as though this is something that is sadly lost on most of us. Can you imagine training your child to be able to go off on their own as a tween and survive off the land and being confident that they could do so. Imagine them being able to go off and have that sense of accomplishment. Most kids today probably never feel anything that resembles it . :( The book does not advocate for sending our kids out to play survivor or anything, it just uses that concept to show how we can help our kids to create their own vision and see their own purpose.

The opposite of vision is fear and it is incredibly important that we do not shape our kids lives with fear or direct our lives with fear. I really appreciated the information about this because much of my childhood was shaped with fear. Not fear like in an abusive situation or something but spiritually. Fear was really used as a motivator to MAKE me a Godly person. There was no choice in it and there was the threat of horrible consequences in the moment and later in life. I learned to be a “good” person not because I wanted to but because I was afraid of what would happen if I chose otherwise. In retrospect I see that this why I am very much an approval junkie. I also had a very hard time learning to feel comfortable making my own choices. To this day my first instinct when I have a big decision to make is to call my mom. It is not to get advice but rather to make sure she won’t be mad at me. That is what happens when fear shapes you! When I was growing up I had it drilled into my head by religious leaders that fear is healthy and good. Well, I call bull honky! I will NEVER use fear to coerce my kids into the behavior I desire.

Chapter two discusses exactly what it means to be a “keeper” and how it does not imply ownership. That is one aspect of authoritarian style parenting that I despise. It very much feels like ownership to me… “I am the parent and you are MY child. You WILL do what I say”. But really we are just the caretakers for our children until they can care for themselves and since the ultimate goal is for them to care for themselves the whole ownership method of parenting is counter productive. I want my kids to get to know themselves and learn what they yearn for and want. I do not want them thinking I or anyone else should be able to tell them what they should yearn for and want. Of course this does not mean we not give them direction. I like the term the author uses to describe what some Native Americans believe we should provide, “good medicine”. According to the author we can only know what “good medicine” they need by learning to speak the language of their heart.

I also liked the information about being a worthy guardian. Many of us think about how we can raise “good” kids but are we worthy to be their guardians? To me that seems like a VERY important concern. Other topics discussed are the true meaning of discipline, creating a family identity, using a talking stick, avoiding shame and doubt, and some practical applications for the ideas in the book.

This book has to be one of my favorite parenting books and I have read a lot. It was a very refreshing and unique twist on many of the positive parenting ideas and concepts I already hold dear.

Keepers of the Children – Native American Wisdom and Parenting