Toddler Troubles

Please, do not worry. Your baby will get in a codition and will go himself.

I have a 2 1/2 year old son who also has a speech delay and some sensory issues. I just really started last week with the potty and he did great, only went 2 times all week other than nap time, This week he refuses to go. I have worried that he would “fail” because he could not tell me that he needed to go. This week no only will he not potty but he wants his blanket all day, which normally only stays in the bed, and has been asking for his paci which has been put away for months. It is frustrating but it will come. we went back to diapers today in stead of big boy pants and he was happy about it. Who knows

So…I have a question. Not making him obey “rules” like mixing paints makes sense, if he’s used to painting messy and artistically he’s going to get frustrated if he’s told not to do it that way. But what about things like chores? My 15 month old throws a tantrum every time we wash hands after we eat…but I still make her do this thing she does not want to do because it’s necessary and good and she needs to learn that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. And because I don’t like blueberry and yogurt stains all over my couch. I mean, I have to do things I don’t want to do. Case in point, I just cleaned out my fridge. BLECH. Didn’t want to, but had to.

So my question is, do you only enforce the “don’t make them do things they don’t want to do” rule when the rule is stupid and pointless and just all about limiting expression, like not mixing paints? Or do you believe in never making kids ever do anything they don’t want to do?

I feel you on the potty training! My son just turned three and we are still having a hard time getting him to go. He can talk very well for his age, and actually chooses to hide when he needs to go. It has been really frustrating! It feels like potty training will never end. I like that boon potty. I have their bath toys and bath spout cover.

I feel for your frustration! I think your beautiful little boy is showing you the way to potty train him. He takes off the diaper-but then goes back to it when he needs to go, so why not try putting the diaper across the potty bowl when he takes it off (show him you’re doing this)? Maybe he will realize that’s where he needs to start going? I have a one year old and haven’t thought about ways to train, so I’m giving inexperienced advice. :-) This did work with my cat, though, except we used kitty litter in a bowl insert in the toilet. Good luck!

He is adorable!

I have heard that with the potty thing it is so much easier to just wait until they are ready. At 3 I don’t think you’re in an emergency situation yet, is there any way you can give him a few months and see if the interest grows on it’s own? It would be so much less stressful for you that way. With my little one she just announced one weekend that she was going to go on the potty from now on, and she pretty much has, with some daycare set-backs due to the different environment, but pretty much accident-free at home for 8 months now. And that kind of goes along with not telling him he has to do things he doesn’t want to do…

Which, I can see both your point and your friends. The thing is that life is a balance between the two. We all DO have to do things we don’t want to do in order to succeed in a society that includes other people. And that starts in preschool. But I think you’re right, forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to for the sake of making the point is a bit much for a 3 year old.

My youngest son, one with a twin sister, didn’t potty train until 4.5 yrs. We tried everything and he honestly was not showing signs he was ready. Luckily, we were in a very understanding preschool who thought for sure that once he saw other boys going. Nope. After his sister starting going? Nope. This child has absolutely NO sense of peer pressure which I think will be a good thing in the long run. He’s also very artistic and still, at 8 years old, lives life thinking outside the box. What made him change his mind to potty? Telling him he was going to go all day without a diaper. Nothing on his hiney. At 4.5 yrs, he was horrified. Went the next day on the potty, stayed dry all night and never had an accident. So there are benefits to late potty training. About behavior. speaking from experience with my oldest (I have 4 kids with the twins being youngest) who has very difficult behaviors, we have had the most success with him lately when we offer choices. You don’t make him do things but you phrase it in “I statements” with two choices that you can live with. “I wonder if you can … ?” I don’t think it’s ridiculous when people say you should “break the spirit” and “that’s the way the world works.” I always look at them like “when was the last time someone told you to sit in a seat, wear certain clothes, eat only food set before you, put you to bed and demanded you go to sleep and then told you to paint only a certain way but feel free to be creative?” The world does not work that way, in my opinion. There are better ways to help kids increase their receptive skills… It is likely he’s hearing too many words and not being given enough time to process. When therapists ask over and over and demand without processing time, all the head hears is like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoons. Wah wah wah wah No wah. Sorry to be so long winded. I have been there…

I think the biggest problem is we feel we have to take one extreme or another. Either everything in our kid’s life has to be controlled, or nothing can be. We’ve forgotten that there is a difference between rules and laws. People who break the rules are artists. People who break the law are criminals. Every child needs both to figure the world out.

BTW forgot to write earlier…your kid is really, really cute. I love that mass of hair on his head. He looks like a rock star.

My just over three year old is also not potty trained, although it’s not helpful to you, I’m relieved to here I’m not the only one!

My first was no problem, I waited until he was old enough to understand and bingo! But with my daughter I feel I waited too long and she has steadfastly refused to cooperate! I’ve backed off and am working at it gently, gently. I’ve done loads of research, and the biggest tip I’ve read is to let them have control over the situation. So now we just ‘practice’ sitting on the potty. My big concern is that even if she wants to, at this point physically she may not be able to let go because it doesn’t feel right .. I console myself with the thought that all five year olds are toilet trained by the time they get to school .. one day, some how!

Alesha, I agree. A part of why he dislikes this teacher is because she asks the same questions over and over again. He either doesn’t know the answer or he answers and she doesn’t understand the answer…so he just hears the “Wah wah wah” like you said. LOL.

Thanks for all your tips on potty training ladies!!

Amber,

I am definately against arbitrary rules and rules about creativity but in general I just don’t believe in having too many rules. I believe in letting them learn to make their own decisions even very early in life as this is what will help them to do so LATER in life. Too many times I think we dictate their whole lives and then expect a life switch at 18…”okay NOW your qualified to have an opinion on your own life.”

If I was in the blueberries and yogurt situation I would just take a washcloth and wipe his hands real quick. If he threw a fit about that then he wouldn’t be eating any more blueberries and yogurt for awhile, cause I wouldn’t be making it ;)

But there are times when he has to do something he doesn’t want to do…like come in the house when it is dark. I will just explain why he has to come inside and hug him when he cries, and let him choose another fun activity. But we try to make those occassions rare…we don’t LOOK for ways to do this to him so he learns that life isn’t fair. I need to have good reasons for having a rule or making him do something he doesn’t want to do.

I have a lot of problem with family members and other well meaning adults who insist that kids need a lot of rules. I mean, I get lectured that they need coloring books so they learn to stay in the lines.

People have gone so far as to tell me that its essential for life. How is learning to color inside lines essential for life? With crafts anything goes.

I take a lot of the blame just because I am a guy though, so its almost never directed at the kids. I also believe in letting my kids make up their own minds and do things for themselves. I have offended people this way too.

I get lectures for them not being potty trained by 3 1/2. Really the oldest is just getting to the point of being ready. He has always been a late bloomer and family/friends just don’t understand this. Kids don’t mature at a set rate.

So we have taken it slow, which is killing me, but we are making progress.

Just to throw in more problems with family, I intend to homeschool. Geez you know what hit the fan when the family found out about this. Really though, I have never walked the normal path in my life.

On the therapist only asking questions. I have one comment there. My mother-in-law only ask questions of the boys. Never ever just talks to them. They hate her. Want nothing to do with her and won’t go near her. We can not get her to just talk to them. She feels they need to be quized.

Yeah there is also something I almost never do either. Chalk something else up.

I am with your son on this one. He is being taken to spend very up close and personal time with a women he clearly does not like. Then he thinks he gets to go and play and be with other children in a fun environment, and wham he gets slapped in the face and his ball taken from him, then he is made to return to the lady he doesn’t like. I wouldn’t want someones hand on mine while I was painting either! Sorry mom, but you are safe, I know you are not going to hurt me so I think I would bite you too. I was stressed out for Parker just hearing about his day! You really cant expect him to be able to handle two major stressors in his life at the same time. Potty training is a big deal and maybe you should wait until you are done with speech therapy to really give a good go at it. I agree with the other mom about putting his diaper over the potty for him. Have you had your husband or another boy show him how to pee on the potty? That might help as well. Maybe it is time to find a new speech therapist or even a different approach to that. Good luck, this will all work its self out. Not to many grown men in diapers that I have ever seen…lol!

While I greatly respect your desire to not force your children to anything they do not want to do, I do think this is an area that needs balance.. I think one of the best lessons I ever learned was when an adult would try to force me to do something that was more or less necessary but ridiculous, I would do it but in a different way that made it okay for me. I think learning how to respond to the world on your own terms is an important skill that I’m not sure can arise if no one ever tries to force you to do something you don’t want to do.

Another facet to consider is school.. elementary classes are a little less daunting than the later years, but there are still many assignments that are either down-right boring and seem pointless. I am currently in college and I still think this from time to time. I would choose not to do certain assignments if that would not hurt my grade. However, I do them, because I have to in order to do well. Just some thoughts =)

Chad, thanks for sharing the dad perspective!

Michelle, I totally agree. I try to always remember how I would feel if someone did these things me or spoke that way to me.

Manda what you described seems more like someone challenging you out of your comfort zone. I definately agree there is a place for that.

Great points Amber. I do have to say that despite my trying to make life respectful for everyone I don’t prescribe to the anything goes mantra. But in many cases I think the the pendulum was swung so far the other way… don’t spare the rod, children should be seen and not heard, etc. that respectful parenting seems extreme but when you compare it to the other extreme that has prevailed in society for decades… it doesn’t seem that extreme.

One thing I do is try to imagine how tribal peoples or primitive peoples would have handled things… No doubt there were not all these rules and societal expectations that we have now. It puts things into perspective…aka how can I expect my child to be okay with abitrary school rules when school itself is unnatural? Kids USED to be educated by parents in an unschooling setting. Now we have loaded this whole process on them and insist it is BEST for them but is it really? I think I just put more trust in people, even kids, to know what they need and want. It can’t always be honored but I can try the best I can.

Raquel, it IS comforting knowing we aren’t all alone in that boat isn’t it? :)

@Rick – you’re right about therapists, but it’s not the older one’s faults. Therapists used to be TAUGHT that they were always right and it was in the best interest of the child to force the child to do things their way. Therapists now are taught how to be adaptive and change with the needs of the child. Both types are products of a system, the newer system just happens to work better.

I think there have been some really great comments. Balance is key but transitioning is hard enough for a 3 year old in regular life let alone at a strange setting with someone asking lots of questions. Maybe watch to see if the therapist is giving him enough time to understand the request OR if they can also provide it as pictures on cards? If it seems like the therapist is rushing for an answer and your son is getting overwhelmed with hearing, seeing, feeling, background noise, calming down from playing… ask the therapist to use less words and give a few seconds before asking again. Sometimes a simple, “I’ll wait” in a neutral tone helps to remind them that something was asked and will require a response. I think it is important to learn that we do things in different environments for different reasons (ie behaviors at school are different than at home, at the store, at grandmas, at friends, at church, etc). A kid pretty easily figures that out by the modeling around him/her. It’s making sure there aren’t other things (not slow enough processing, hunger, tired, asking for things too easy or too hard) getting in the way. As another note about speech delays, all of my verbal kids (my oldest is nonverbal) think way faster than they speak. Their receptive skills were always good (meaning they understand more than they speak) so we didn’t worry about it but they didn’t talk until after age 2 years old. They still think faster than they talk.

oh my Lordy, we have that potty book. and i can’t seem to get rid of it! every time i think the coast is clear, the kids see me and yell “Why are you getting rid of the potty book? no mama! we love that book!”

ok, it was cute the first 500 times i read it, now they have been potty trained for 2 years, how many more times am i going to be tortured into reading it!

Good luck!

I definitely feel for you on both accounts – my son is a little over 2 and I don’t see any point in potty training since he has a major speech delay. Your post has inspired me to give it a try, although I know it will likely be another year or so since boys are usually late anyway. :) On the speech thing, can you try another therapist? We’ve had a couple different therapists since he started Early Intervention at 9 months and the best ones are those that push him to do things a little more each time so that he builds a slow tolerance to sticking with things. Along w/pushing him slightly, though, they also change activities when needed and keep things fun and energetic. Those that didn’t had no success w/him. It sounds like you may need to ask for a different one if other therapists are available. Good luck!

PS. Thank you so much for sharing the struggles in your life with us as well as the blessings. I am always in such awe over all the information on your site. And what you are doing with your family, from the healthy ways you live, eat and play not to mention all the fabulous info you share with us. Its nice to know you are human! =)

“A part of why he dislikes this teacher is because she asks the same questions over and over again.”

Having put a child through hundreds of hours of speech therapy (without results, I regret to say), I cannot emphasize how important it is to find a speech therapist who is adaptive and willing to change gears.

Some therapists are utterly convinced that their method is perfect, they needn’t learn or change a thing, and if a child doesn’t do well it must be the child’s fault. A good therapist should have dozens, perhaps hundreds of different ways to accomplish a particular therapy goal. If they keep doing the same thing over and over yet expect different results, they will fail.

I hate to say this, because it sounds like ageism, but younger therapists that are fresh out of school seem to be willing to “do the right thing”, rather try and force the child to “do things right”.

RR

As a mom of a very spirited three year old I have to say that I think your friend is right…to an extent. I order to fit into society and social circles our kids must be taught that the world does not revolve around them, however this must be done in such a way that it does not break the sperit, but actually empowers the child. A child needs to have order and rules in their life, but the can be taught these things peacefully and with respect to the child. We try to follow the Montessori philosophy in this regaurds. She has many great books on the subject of dicipline and the child. In a nut shell the goal of Montessori dicipline is a self discipline from within the child that is taught through the prepared environment and following the child as opposed to external rewards and punishments. It is hard to find that balance though and we all just do our best. My three year old can still through one hell of a tantrum! She has, however come a long way.

Michelle, thanks…I think it is all to easy to blog about the good stuff ya know? ;)

Rick, I completely agree. My older son’s favorite teacher was one fresh out of college. She really adapted to the needs of her students instead of being rigid and thinking they have to change for her. She had way more success with the “problem students” than any other teacher.

Parker is beautiful! I love reading all of your comments and it is great to hear from dads too! Both of my boys were early talkers and still weren’t ready to potty train at 3. They both had on and off periods with it from 3 1/2 on until 5 (my younger son is 4/12 and just started sleeping at night w/o a pull-up but he still has accidents occasionally in both the day and night). We read books, we watched movies and we played the “Elmo Potty Game” on SesameStreet.org. We watched dad (and older brother for my younger one) and talked about it. But I didn’t push (well, I tried but found out quickly that it was no use) and they both were ready to hold it long enough to go to the short preschool classes. It just will work itself out.
My kids don’t have a speech delay but I have three friends w/kids who do and by immersing them with books and friends and in situations where they might want to talk are seeming to do the trick. At three, they weren’t talking or we couldn’t understand them. All of them are in preschool w/my son (they are also all 4 1/2 years old) and there is a speech therapist who comes to the class and works with the kids in an immersion situation and it seems to be a very nice situation for all.

My little boy didn’t get potty trained until he was 3 years 4 months. Before that he would fuss if I even tried to sit him on the toilet. What worked to get him interested was a reward system( I know some may not like this approach). I made a chart and at first he would get a sticker just for being willing to sit on the potty. Gradually we moved up the expectations. When he filled his chart he got a “surprise”. The first chart had fewer squares, so the reward would come more quickly. Over time I added more squares to the chart. I kept cloth diapers on him this whole time. Eventually he was using the potty, but still wetting a little in his diapers. I was starting to get frustrated with that and just showed him big boy underwear. He wanted to wear it, so we switched. After an accident or two he realized if he didn’t want his pants to get wet, he had to exclusively use the potty. After a couple weeks “training” and then after that putting on underwear, he’s done great. We kept doing diapers at bedtime. Once he was wearing underwear during the day and doing fine, I told him if he kept his diaper dry for a while at night then he could switch to underwear then too and he did. I think this all worked for us b/c he was ready. Good luck! He’ll get there.

Since we’ve done EC, we use the ASL sign for potty. It has made a huge difference. I also noticed my little boy will grab his penis sometimes right before he goes. We also spent a lot of time letting him go commando or with just a pre-fold on and no cover to know right when he was going and so that he understood and made the connection too.

I think you’ve probably read them, but as far as “making him listen” read ‘Unconditional Parenting’ by Alfie Kohn and ‘How Children Learn’ by John Holt. My husband and I feel the only time to make your child do something is when its what they really need to be doing or not doing. ie running with scissors, playing with the stove There’s no reason to force them to do something just because its your will. ie color in the lines, eat your carrots first right now. I try to stop myself (and don’t always succeed) when I find myself forcing my son to do something and I try to ask why it matters.

Hope this helps and hope next weeks better.

I’m not sure what you will do if he does not want to do the speech therapy? I mean, if he doesn’t like it, then it won’t work out right? How does an attachment parent stick to their method and still deal with special needs or issues? I’m stumped.

Karey, we are going to go a few more times to give it a fair shake. We may also request a new therapist but my town is so small there are only 1-2 of them and they work together so that may not be a great idea if we want to stay on good terms with them. If it absolutely does not work out then I will be his therapist. I have been watching what they do and doing it at home and have been getting MUCH better results.

I also might send him to preschool a couple days a week so he can interact with more kids that are not siblings. At this point I think we still have lots of options but your question is a very good one.

We are actually dealing with the same 2 issues at the moment. My little girl (almost 3) has speech issues and refuses to potty train. I am trying to not worry about the potty training, it will come in time. We “go” when she is willing but pushing definitely doesn’t work. I don’t want to do dislike even more than she already does. As far as speech therapy, we are hitting 2x’s week. Once with the school district and one with a private therapist. They are both great and use the learning through play method. The therapist found out what my daughter was interested in, and then just works with her words with while they play. For example, giving her choices where she has to name the toy she wants – with the bed or the stove for the doll house. Good luck!

Hello, I have twin boys who turned 3 in February and also were/are in speech therapy. For potty training I went the cold turkey approach. We went straight to underwear a few weeks before they turned 3. Connor had 1 pee accident that day and then was totally going pee on the toilet from that day forward. Poop took us a month to get consistent with the toilet. Night we are still in diapers (just in case) but he does wake up dry most times. Cody didn’t take off as well. He didn’t care if he was wet and then was resistant to sitting on the potty. So, he is going at his own pace. We have an open bathroom policy and he cheers his brother on when he goes, lol. We do rountines with Cody. We wake up, we try, after meals we try, before and after bath we try. So that is helping. We have been blessed with great Developmental specialists. Our sessions were mostly free play with the child leading it and the DS working her therapy in as they played. Now, they are in a language based preschool program for 2 1/2 hrs a day 4 days a week. I don’t know how long your sessions are with the therapist but it sounds like she is trying to fit in 2 1/2 hrs of therapy into a much shorter time frame by having him hop all over the place and do all these different activities. I don’t blame Parker for freaking out. I’d be like enough, let me play! IMO, the therapist is overloading him with too many different things. Therapy was fun for my boys. As for the painting thing….our teacher was doing that same thing with the kids one day when I was in the class. IMO, I think it is to teach them to follow simple direction. I agree, art is expressive and creative, but there is a balance in life. Children need to be able to follow direction in certain settings. That is great that you are watching what the therapist is doing and incorporating that at home. She should be encouraging that and setting you up with tools to accomplish that at home. If the school systems therapists aren’t working for you, would having a private therapist come to the home be an option? I really hope you all find a way to do this so that everyone is happy, especially Parker. Therapy shouldn’t be miserable for the little guy.

Kids will go potty when they decide to. Not much we can do about it. I’m a mom of 3, 14 yrs of experience and very much Type A. Trust me, I know. He will start going when he is ready. Encourage and support, thats all you can do. Let it be when you need to. As far as the speech therapy and just about any other subject for that matter, you are the momma. You know whats best for him. You know it in your heart. Dont feel guilty or fall into the trap of what others say. I think we all know what a rebel you are anyway. Go with your gut. Mothers have a special gift. We know when something is wrong, we’ll awake in the middle of the night….. We have a special intuition. Go with that!

hi! My first thought when reading about the potty was put a diaper inside. He obviously connects going pee with his diaper so maybe just make sure he sees you putting one in his potty.

And the therapist is a hard call. It seems like he is really on edge around her. Is there a way to try a new one? or are you stuck with her because of benefits or something? I wouldn’t think he would get anything accomplished if he doesn’t respond well to her.

Anyways!! good luck with both! let us know what you try with both. :) I like hearing other people’s solutions so I know for when I have to go through it. :)

Two observations from a fellow mom. Your speech therapist my hate me for this but I HIGHLY recommend Signing with your son until he becomes verbal. Counter to what most people think it does not stunt language development. It not only enhances it, it takes away a great deal of frustration for both you and your son since it gives him a way to communicate. We signed with both our kids and found it made our lives much more pleasant—especially at meal time.

As for the potty training. I went through something similar with my now 4 year old. His older sister trained herself and I was just lost when it came to this little boy who had NO interest in using the potty. After thoroughly constipating himself in an effort to control the situation I just let go of trying to push it. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do—I was so ready to be through with diapers. Once his bowels were back to normal he eventually came around to discovering that he preferred the potty and did it all himself. It was hard on me since it was a week before preschool and he couldn’t go if not potty trained but I had to let him take the lead.

All that said, you know your son—just do what works best for the two of you.

I agree with many points in these lovely and smart mom’s (and dad’s, yeah!) comments and I thought I would throw my two cents in there as well!
Although I agree with your friend on the basics of her opinion, I’m not sure we share the same view on discipline. Discipline is necessary in parenting. We’ve all seen the children who do not get discipline in their lives and it is a sad and scary thing. HOWEVER, discipline needs to be age appropriate and loving. Discipline to me means guidance not force. Don’t get me wrong! There are times when there is fits and hysteria, but I always try to keep those to a minimum. Picking your battles is always important. Offering my child choices is a great way to fulfill my role as her loving mom and her wants and needs as a child. We have been doing that since she was little. She has a very strong personality and I, too, do not want to “break” her spirit. I have expectations of her now that she is older (7 yrs.) and we talk about those expectations often. These expectations include being kind and considerate to others, helping around the house (chores), and doing the “right” thing. She recently got the Kindness Award in her school and was very proud of herself (as I was of her, of course!). I was proud of myself, too, I might add! I always emphasize pride in herself instead of me being proud of her as I believe that encourages her to think for herself and do whats right. My daughter knows she is my heart but that the world does NOT revolve around her. Not giving her the proper rules and guidance required would be a great disservice to her whole being, now and more importantly, in the future as she becomes an adult.
That being said, mixing color paints is NOT, in any way, a discipline issue for a 3 year old (or any child or adult :)) in my opinion, and forcing the issue caused the reaction on his part.
I hope that you will get the guidance and support you need to help him with his speech issues. It seems to me that the younger, less jaded therapists and teachers are the most enthusiastic, and willing to think outside the box.
As far as the potty training, don’t sweat it. I love the idea of putting the diaper on the potty, how cute! As my mother is fond of saying: “This, too, shall pass.” It seems like such a big thing when you’re in the thick of it, but it is a small thing in the grand scheme. He will get there!
Best wishes!!!

A friend of mine has a little boy with motor-planning issues, including potty training and speech. One thing that has helped him is Omega 3 Fish oils, and lots of ’em, added to his diet. For some reason, his little brain wasn’t absorbing enough of the essential oils

Bottom line with the speech therapist is respect. If she doesn’t treat your son with respect, he won’t treat her with any either. Now is your chance to shine and show him that you will stick up for him and his rights, and when he is bigger he will insist also on being treated with respect. Hope things get easier for him and you can work things out with this therapy!

My son is 3.5 and still has LITTTLE interest in the potty. He can do it he just doesn’t want to and i’m in no mood to clean up puddles all day. So when he’s in the mood we do training pants and when he’s not in the mood we do diapers. Little by little we get more days of training pants, even if he just pees in them.

With the Speech Therapy it sounds like the therapist tried to do too much with him too soon. We did speech with my son in early intervention and the therapist spent the first several sessions getting to know him and his personality. That way she knew what toys to use, what questions to ask, and how to approach new things. Our therapist also came to the house, so he was in his familiar environment. I can assure you that if i’d taken him to someplace strange to meet with a strange person we would have gotten no place for a long time. And the 15 minutes in the gym was a poor idea as well. She should just do the therapy and that’s it, gym time should be for afterward, not in the middle of.

And i do think you need to establish a bit more authority over your son. The simple fact is everyone has to do things at times that they don’t want to do and the sooner he learns that the better things will go in therapy, potty learning, school, and life. You don’t have to break his spirit, or lord over him every minute, but he does need to learn that when he’s asked to do something he needs to do it. He doesn’t have to like it, but he does have to do it.

I think it’s a great idea to put underwear on your boy, then tell him you will let the potty be his diaper now. If you tell him that, he will probably get the idea without you actually having to put the diaper in the potty. That will help him realize he can use the potty even if there’s not a diaper in it. (just an idea.)

I don’t feel like I’m breaking my 2 yr old’s spirit if I stop him from doing something he shouldn’t be doing. My mother established boundaries for me and disciplined me when I did something I should do and I am still creative, open-minded and spirited. I also don’t want to be all things to my child such as therapist, school teacher, doctor, etc. I went to college to work in television production and that is my training. I wouldn’t dream of teaching my child algebra/trig or giving him a physical exam. There are trained professionals to deal with those needs. Beyond common-sense stuff, I am not the least bit qualified to deal with those matters.

I think it’s a bit much, and unfair, to say that any parent who sets rules and guidelines for their children is authoritarian. Even by the liberal psychologist standpoint (and I know, I studied to be one) that’s taking it too far. No psychologist on the planet says that rules are bad for children, and none would call you authoritarian for making rules and sticking to them. I think requests, helping, etc should come first. But families ARE a dictatorship. Ten year olds, five year olds, and especially 18 month olds simply do not know what is best for them. No matter how much she pleads, I do not let my 15 month old watch 8 hours of TV a day. I simply say, “No, ma’am” and get out a coloring book or something. I’m not going to let my children make those kinds of decisions for themselves until they are old enough to do so. And that does NOT make me authoritarian.

Jessica,

I am not an authoritarian parent by choice. I was raised in a do what your told cause I said so family and it was not a respectful environment. To the extent possible we try to appease everyone’s wishes and needs and I don’t usually TELL them to do anything. I request, I ask if I can help them in a task, I hint, etc. We work together as a team..there is no dictatorship in our family. I think reason and assistance are better than an iron fist.

Karey, I became I a parent to RAISE my kids and ALL that entails. If I can be the better doctor, therapist, school teacher, etc…I will be. My kids are worth the effort and I am completely capable of meeting their needs.

I have to respectfully disagree. Both with your definition of authoritarian parenting and the theories that are behind it. The type of parenting you’re describing is called authoriTATIVE, not authoritarian, and is considered the best form of parenting. What it seems you practice is called permissive parenting, where a loving relationship exists but there is little expectations about following rules and few rules in place. I’m not alone (in fact, I have the backing of the scientific community) when I say that this is a good, but not the best, system of parenting. Setting down rules doesn’t make you authoritarian. It’s how you enforce those rules. If I slapped my daughter every time she asked to watch TV, or (as she gets older) never explained the reasons behind those rules, that would be authoritarian. She’s not old enough for a lengthy explanation right now, so she gets redirected – the very definition of authoritative, not authoritarian, parenting.

My daughter is not old enough to make good choices for herself. If I left things up to her at this point in her life, she would eat nothing but chocolate cake and watch TV all day and go naked all the time. I believe a child should begin life with more rules than they end it with. It doesn’t make sense that we give children more freedom at 5 then we would ever give them at 15. When she’s 7 she can decide whether or not to wear a jacket outside. When she’s 9 she can pick her own bedtime. But not now. And me setting limits and rules, again, is not authoritarian. Quite the opposite.

Amber I was responding to the comment that I need to exert my authority over my son. To me, one of the hallmarks of authoritarian parenting is the attitude that they need to be controlled and the comment about exerting authority over him did indeed sounds like advice that he needs to be controlled.

Authoritarian parenting is restrictive and punitive. The TV example you gave is restrictive just like authoritarian models. We have chosen not to put ANY limits on TV and my kids don’t watch it that much by choice. My oldest son watches a DVD in his room before bed and usually falls asleep during it. My daughter will watch sporadically with many days watching none at all. My youngest does watch TV often but he would rather play outside or go somewhere with me so all I have to do to get him away from the TV is arrange for him to do something else. I get the same results as a parent who restricts but I don’t have to and it makes for a much more peaceful and respectful relationshio with my kids. If that works with TV imagine how many other scenarious it would also work for.

Amber, I do not practice permissive parenting. I am an attached parent who practices repectful/peaceful parenting. My kids do have limits but they are not arbitrary or in response to social expectations. Instead if rules we gave general guidelines and expectations. While they may not have many restrictions we still work to honor everyone’s needs, including mine. We just work together to find a compromise we can all live with instead of making me the winner by default because I am the parent. At 5 they may not be the best at making their own choices but how will they learn to make good decisions if they don’t get practice? In my mind this is the a huge flaw in restrictive parenting. Making good choices isn’t a magical thing that happens with age…it happens with age AND practice.

My kids don’t eat chocolate cake and watch TV all day. The chocolate cake I don’t buy therefore I don’t have to restrict it and the TV is not a problem because they don’t feel attached to it or feel it has power because I never empowered it by making rules about it. Restricting things give POWER to the object or behavior you want to restrict. They don’t go naked either but I guess they could if they wanted to…I am betting it would not last long after one of their peers witnessed this.

Rules and restrictions give them something to rebel against. When they have nothing to rebel against and they have practice making decisions and seeing the logical consequences of them in action from and early age they mature faster IMO.

I just wanted to clear up that I am NOT permissive in the sense that most “experts” define it.

Here is a definition of Authoritarian Parenting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Authoritative_Parenting#Authoritative_parenting

Basically the only difference is the dialouge. It is restrictive and punitive but unlike straight authoritarian parenting there is discussion about the rules and discussion about the punishments. Age appropriate behaviors may also be considered more too.

I do not want to bash either way and I am not. I am just stating that it is not for me and my family.

Your son is a lucky little boy to have such compassionate parents!!!! Sounds like your doing an awesome job, even though I’m sure it doesn’t always feel like things are going good. Three was a difficult age for my kids (well for my parenting woes anyways) too.
And hey, if he’s going over to his diaper to pee, he IS getting the concept at least! He must have some control and understanding if he gets up and goes over there. It’s just a matter of time now.
Good luck!!!!