We all have our moments with the “green police”, the environmental enthusiasts that want to make you feel bad because you are not nearly as perfect as they are. You might also run into moms (or dads) that are so consumed with the safest things, the most educational toys, the best of this and that…and the apparent lack of such concern (according to them of course) in your house that you almost feel like you are guilty of child neglect. It is mommy guilt and it is destructive. I have also been thinking about it a lot lately.
Last week when I wrote about the 20 dangers for children I got many comments and some were from mothers who were a little upset with me. But from what I could glean from the comments themselves and the private emails that followed was that they were not upset because they felt I was making bad or dangerous decisions for my children or even that I was being an alarmist (as some of their comments suggested). I think they were experiencing some of that mommy guilt and they wanted to take it out on me.
I knew when I wrote that post that it was going to be controversial but I did it anyway and I “thought” I did it in a manner that was far more gentle than the original author. I was happy to see that some moms were discussing both articles on a community forum and were saying just the same. They felt that the original article was very militant and it turned them off. It aimed to make them feel guilty and it made some moms mad. I also managed to do the same although not by intent. For that I am sorry because mommy guilt is everywhere and you don’t need any more from me.
I thought it might be fun to fess up now and tell you ALL of my dirty little secrets that “could” make me feel guilty. But really there are too many to list. I have many “green” imperfections and many aspects of my life that could use a natural makeover. In fact, I often refer to some of my habits as “sage” because they are not quite green but I am working on them. But let me let YOU in on a little secret of mine. I don’t feel guilty about it. Sure I have my moments…who doesn’t…but overall I realize that striving for perfection is just going to discourage me and be counter productive in the end. The green police and the mommy police can “bite me” as my husband would say.
Yesterday when I bought some pretzel bites and cream cheese from a mall vendor…they were oh so good with their white, processed flour and non-organic room temperature cream cheese. I hardly ever eat them so I wasn’t about to feel guilty about it. Of course when my toddler and I both experienced some intense…uh…digestive issues later on, I did feel that twinge of guilt, especially where my son was concerned. BUT for the most part guilt just makes feel like I am failing as a mom and I know in my heart that nothing is further from the truth, so why entertain doubts? Motherhood is nothing if not a journey and so is moving to a more green, natural, healthy, or sustainable lifestyle.
I remember an email I got about six months ago. One gentleman said that my blog was laughable with all the disreputable companies I promote, products that are not fair trade, and in general I was just not the “green” person I claimed to be. First of all I told him to stop peeking in my windows. ;) Then I told him that green living is a journey and I seek to address that gradual process in my blog. If that were not my stance then I might have titled my blog “Looking Down My Perfect Nose at You”. I guess I was feeling saucy that day because I suggested that maybe he start that particular blog.
It is just not possible, for me at least, to address every single object in my house and switch it out for the more green and natural version. I don’t have that kind of money. So I do what I can when I can, saving up for bigger ticket items, and prioritizing based upon environmental impact, health issues, availability, and cost. I research everything under the sun and I make changes where I can. And sometimes I get lazy or bogged down with life and I go backwards a bit but that is okay with me…no guilt, no apologies. Or at least I try my best to allay those feelings of guilt. ;)
So what is YOUR take on green guilt or mommy guilt in general? Do you let it get to you?
I want to point out that I like your site partially because you’re not perfect. I know I’m incapable of perfection, but your blog is filled with suggestions made by someone who seems more approachable and more like me than anyone “perfect” could ever be.
Besides, I’m half convinced that the perfect moms’ kids grow up to be serial killers and middle management :)
Good post! I have lots to say, but not the time! My biggest green guilt is M&Ms. I know I *should* buy the more natural, no artificial flavoring versions at the health food store, but they just aren’t the same…
(I should add that I have MANY worse habits on the green scale than M&Ms!)
Great post Tiffany. I agree with you about the fact that people tend to their their own uncertainty and guilt against people who have the guts to make the decision they didn’t make… I see this all the time with people who staunchly defend their vaccinating their kids but who say they were absolutely gut sick about it and couldn’t even watch it taking place! Ditto for circumcision.
You said: “It is just not possible, for me at least, to address every single object in my house and switch it out for the more green and natural version”
Actually replacing stuff with greener stuff would not be the best thing for the environment. I read an article the other day about hybrid cars, and how buying one prematurely could actually have an unintended effect. It’s better to drive your car until the wheels fall of and then replace it with a greener one, ditto for other stuff. But you probably already know that. ;)
I love this discussion happening around “green guilt”. I think that we are all continually looking at where we could improve, however, I hate to think of having so much guilt over small mishaps that we begin to secretly hate living. The world needs to read about people like Tiffany who is living a real life with real complexities and see that becoming green is an evolving process. We can’t set-up an image that says to newcomers “Green Thinkers” have it all figured out. We need to foster a community of trying to figures things out as we go.
I have never figured out a better cleaner than bleach. I have tried; but I just have a ‘yucky’ feeling when I don’t use it after cutting up a chicken or after someone in my house has a cold or something. Hopefully it keeps everyone in my family off of antibiotics and where I lack in environmental health; I make up for in the public health issue.
I am a newish reader of yours and I’ve appreciated your blog very much. Of course this is an evolving process, and I think you’ve done a great job explaining to the public how we can go about this one day at a time (or one purchase at a time). I find your information very useful and it has given me ideas where to start in our own home.
I would like to take this time to ask you about chemical-free carpet cleaner solution. I’m sorry if you’ve touched on this subject in the past. We live in a home with carpet that I would love to exchange out for wood floors, but because of our limited finances at the time, it isn’t happening for a while. I have my own Hoover carpet cleaner, but you know the crap you buy for it is one of the biggest offenders out there.
Do you have any recipes for chemical-free cleaner that is safe to use in a carpet cleaner?
Thank you!
I remember an email I got about six months ago. One gentleman said that my blog was laughable with all the disreputable companies I promote, products that are not fair trade, and in general I was just not the “green” person I claimed to be.
Hey, I think that guy must get around . . . I’ve had some similar comments and emails about how changing a lightbulb is a worthless effort, etc. Oh, and one person wanted to know if I bought carbon offsets since I obviously used a computer. Um . . . sure.
Oh man!
Oh, thank you! I was just wrestling this over in my mind when I forgot my bags for the umteenth time and was handed my grocery purchase in a plastic bag. ‘SIGH’ I am trying but you are right, it is a journey. I have made big strides, but I’m no super green mom. Thanks for doing the “confessing” for me. Love your blog!