I have been reading TONS lately about free range kids. It is a book and a concept that seems to picking up momentum. When I look closer at the way I parent, I feel I have pretty much always allowed my kids to be free range kids. Of course my younger two have fewer freedoms than their older sibling but how wide you let your kids roam is an age appropriate consideration too.
I wrote not long ago about how we royally pissed off a neighbor because he couldn’t stand the fact that my son roams. It was causing problems with his own children as they were not allowed to go past their own driveway or play at anyone else’s home. Luckily that family moved a few weeks ago.
But they have been replaced by another family across the street. These kids have greater freedom but they cannot leave our street and often times can’t even play outside unless a parent is also outside. Jealousy prompted them to start teasing and taunting as my son rode past on his bike and now we have animosity again. Grrr…
So I would say I am more free range-y than most parents nowadays and that in itself paints a target on your back. BUT I have also witnessed something I consider slightly disturbing on several blogs of late… parents using the free range kids concept as an excuse for not supervising their kids when in fact they should be.
Maybe I am an anomaly but I am big on free range kids AND parental involvement and responsibility.. they don’t have to be mutually exclusive concepts. I have read on the Free Range Kids blog and on other sites, complaints from parents about rules in public and private establishments that require parents to supervise children. Specifically the two places I recall are museums and libraries.
Call me a crazy militant mom but museums and libraries are not exactly the best places to let your kids go unsupervised. There will of course always be exceptions depending on the maturity and temperament of individual children but in general these are places where parental supervision is a good thing. You don’t need to be a helicopter parent and hover over them but dropping them off for hours or otherwise letting them have the run of the place while you go elsewhere is not fair to other patrons or the employees of these places unless you are 100% positive they won’t be bothering other people. Librarians and museum staff aren’t babysitters.
A couple weeks back we went to Science Museum and there was a virtual game my son wanted to play with me. For two hours we scoped out the game at different times and finally gave up. Why? The same two kids played the game for over 2 hours. This is an exhibit that many other guests likely wanted to try but because these kids were not supervised they did not see the need to share the exhibit with other patrons. Would my kids do the same? Maybe! If it was a lot of fun I am sure they would want to keep playing. That is why it is important that I be there to make sure they are being respectful of other guests who likely paid around $50 (family of 5) for their short time there. It important for parents to be with kids to model these societal mannerisms. Perhaps that is why so many people have no respect for others nowadays… their parents weren’t “present” to teach them.
Libraries are another place were other people may not want to be disturbed by kids riding the elevator or playing hide and go seek in the reference section.. and rightly so. Free range parenting should include making sure your kids are being respectful of other people and honestly how can you know what is going on if you aren’t watching? Should we just hope for the best? A middle ground needs to be sought and getting upset because your local library won’t let your six year old hang out there without adult supervision is a bit much.
Today though I had my free range meter tested majorly. My son and two friends rode their bikes down to the elementary school playground and they ran into some teens that were hanging out there. The teens ordered the younger kids to leave the playground, which the other two boys did immediately but the these teens had an eye for my son’s dirt bike and they took it and proceeded to ride around on it, all the while insisting he leave. He wasn’t about to leave his bike which is exactly what they wanted. I guess maybe then they could consider it abandoned instead of owning up to theft…. which is what they were attempting. He ended up getting pelted hard with mulch chips which cut his face all up and they pushed him down and he hit his back on a slide as he went down, and then they kicked his bike chain and broke it. After all that they left, perhaps deciding that if they got caught now they assaulted someone and destroyed property. My son walked his bike home, his soul battered, in the hot sun.
Sadly, now my instinct is not to let him go back there. I am not worried about the remote chances of his being abducted or molested by a pedophile. I am worried about the very real possibility that he will encounter more bullies whose own parents probably have no idea where their kids are and probably don’t much care.
Sometimes the most dangerous things out there.. are the other kids.
So how do let kids roam without having to worry they will become victims? Are public places like libraries and museums the best places to let your children roam free? How do find balance?
Hi Nature Mom!
I wholeheartedly agree that “Free-Range” is not the same as “Hands off,” or even, “Drop them someplace and forget ’em.” Free-Range means taking the responsibility to TEACH your kids responsibility. And taking away some freedom if they don’t rise to the occasion.
Meantime, I am very sorry to hear the rotten things that have happened recently to your family — the bike incident and the pool one, too. Free-Range or not, sometimes bad things happen and it hurts. The one thing I can say for certain is that when I interviewed the head of the Adam Walsh Foundation, he said that the way to make kids safe is not by keeping them under lock and key but by sending them out into the world (with training!) so they get the kind of confidence that allows them to stand up for themselves.
Wish it were all easy.
Sounds like you have hit a few rough patches, but that you are doing a great job. Good luck to you — and us all.
Lenore “Free-Range Kids” Skenazy
I love that book and blog too. My kids are young enough that free ranging isn’t too free yet, but we’re getting there. We just moved, and the new neighborhood looks pretty promising for it. I’ve already had a couple kids come to the door without parents asking if they could have our recyclables. I’m assuming they meant aluminum cans and such that they could get paid for, which I didn’t have.
Still, I’m looking forward to my oldest being able to walk to school on her own, or maybe with a group of friends. She still doesn’t look well enough for cars, which is my main concern at this point.
Free ranging kids is definitely a balance. I don’t think of kids as ready for a particular activity until they can behave appropriately overall, which includes sharing or being quiet as necessary.
I agree with Kimberly. Please file a police report. I hope your son is ok. Poor guy. I HATE bullies and I don’t like to use the word hate.
As for free range, I was very protective of my daughter. I really didn’t let her ride bike over to friends houses until after her 6th grade year. Now, my son who is 6 yrs younger than his sister has been riding bike around since the summer after 4th grade. One of his fav. things to do is to ride to the lib, which is prob. about 11 blocks away. They encourage kids who are about 8 to come and read and do puzzles and such. No parents needed. I am definitely relaxing as I get older. My son is now going into 6th gr and he rides bike all over with friends and yes I do worry some. However we are blessed to live in a small town, pop is about 3,000 and being a teacher I know lots of the kids and they know him. I hope I am as comfortable with my 3 yr old as I am with my 11 yr old and that I don’t revert back to how protective I was with my now 17 yr old. She of course is jealous of how much I let her brother do. Oh well, can’t please ’em all.
I loved your article, I just have a comment about self defence. My Dad taught my brother and I self defence from a young age- he also taught us responsibility and respect for others. You cannot teach one without the other. Knowing self defence has given me confidence to stand up to bullies when I found myself alone without the aid of authority (I don’t necessairly mean to fight bullies, I have actually never been in a fight, but just knowing self defence gave me the confidence to stand up to them and defend myself). Parents and poliece cannot always be around, self defence is just that- a life lesson that teaches you to help yourself in some difficult circumstances.
I just finished Free Range Kids last night and love it. Around here most of the danger comes from other parents jumping in and over-reacting, but there are always going to be jerks that kids will have to deal with. And sadly, some of them are 7.
Please file a police report about the attack on your son at the playground. They may or may not actually catch the guys – but the police will know they need to patrol that area more. Since this was a school there might be security footage to help identify the boys that attacked your son. The security video at my school resulted in an arrest this summer for grand theft.
I think a discussion with the boys about not abandoning their friends and going to get help when confronted with bullies like this is in order. The boys with your son should have called 911 for help, if they couldn’t get you or their parents quickly.
My family has been the victim of crime twice lately. Both times when reported the police they thanked us. They needed the data to justify upping patrols in the area and hopefully catching the brats.
For me letting the kids range free is determined by the area your are in. Cities are going to have dangers that country towns don’t. Even the wildlife there is tougher, lol, I have seen some pretty mean squirrels in my time! No Really!
It is so sad to read that your son had to endure all of that. I am sure that you made the right move, more time with dad is good for an boy!
Maybe one of the phones that only call you or a long range walky-talky would help him feel safe and you know that you can help him if he gets into trouble and could use an adult again.
Beccijo
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I think I am somewhere in the free range spectrum, and some of my friends think I am crazy. Why? Because, for example, I allow my son to play outdoors at “too young” of an age without me being out there. All I can think of is what happens when a child is hovered over for years and suddenly you are not there to hover?
I am going to check out the blog. As always, thank you for an insightful post!
I completely agree with this article in that kids need to be taught how to behave and then set free. This is a source of disagreement between my husband and I on regular occasions as I feel that if children are taught well then as they get older they need to be free more. If kids do not learn to stand on their own *by standing on their own* on occasion without parental eyes on them, as they get older. My husband is very paranoid about them getting hurt, I am less concerned about that than the consequences when they turn 18 and are legally on their own and don’t have to do what I say anymore. If they have never learned to be on their own, you can’t ethically just set them free at 18 and expect them to fly. They need the confidence behind them that they can fly before they actually take the leap. Mind you, I’m talking about my 14 and 15 year old daughters, not small children. And even they are only going to the park 3 blocks away!
One thing we have done to make sure we appease our fears, is to make sure the each child has a cell phone once they reach the age of being free enough that I don’t have to be there full time. I think there are scary bad people around and if nothing else, if my children are kidnapped and can’t call me their phones have a GPS tracker and I can hopefully find them easier.
I have a theory as to why the concept of ‘free ranging’ is gaining popularity and it has to do with some generational studies I’ve done. Boomers were hardworking and during the 70’s and 80’s a lot of mom’s went back to work leaving the gen x’ers at home as latchkey children. As gen x’ers have come of age they have rebelled at what they felt like was ‘neglect’ and stayed home with their children, been very into attachment parenting, overly accomodating to their children, and never let them out of their site (I say this as a gen x’er by the way) but the next generation of parents coming up see’s how this has backlashed as being over protective and it’s harmful to children’s development, so they’ve come up with ‘free ranging’ to make up for it. It’s all a cycle of each generation trying to make up for the mistakes of the previous generation. Just my personal theory.
I never knew there was a term for it! My kids are still pretty young, but I practice this with my six year old. We have 4 parks within 2 blocks of our house. I can see her at one of them, but the other two are blocked from my view. She is allowed to go to two of them unsupervised for 10-20 minutes on her own (she wears a watch). The park across the street she can stay at until I call her.The final park is where the older kids hang out, so she’s not allowed to go there. this gives her a bit of freedom and me some piece of mind, because I know where she is, and the amount of time she is not in my sight is fairly short. A few times she has not returned in time and then I go get her, and the next time she goes it is for a shorted amount of time (natural consequence).
I agree with you about the museum and library. I allow my older child to wonder the kids section on her own while I look for books, but by younger child is only alone when she runs away from me ;o)
Heartbreaking about what your son has gone through. I wish I had the right words, but all I have are hugs.
It is true that kids need freedom to be kids, but it is our responsibility as parents to teach them to behave well and respect other people. Unfortunately your son has been the victim of bullies, whose irresponsible parents have not raised them properly. I think all your kids should take Martial Arts. They need to be able to defend themselves, because if they don’t, then who will. Martial Arts will also give them self confidence, which will help them now as kids dealing with bullies, and in the future as adults, dealing with the rest of the world.
Great post!! And a timely one for me this week. Spending a vacation with extended family has a way of slapping you in the face with some of your own philosophies. ;) Your post provided the perfect reset button for me. Thanks!
Thank you so much for this post. I have been looking for that book but must have been leaving out the dash in free-range because my searches always came up empty! I love this idea but wrestle with my own fears of the endless list of “what if….”. Anyone have tips on how you have worked through them?
I whole heartedly agree with the free range idea. You have to give children the opportunity to learn to handle situations. But as I read your post, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when you included parents also being responsible for ‘guiding’ the free range kid.
I am a teacher as well as a parent. The kids who have the hardest times in school are the kids who are free range because their parents ignore them!
I do have one concern…and a limit to free range…safety. Kids have to worry about other kids, sure…but the bigger fear these days are the adults who prey on our children. They are in big cities and little towns as well as rural places. It’s not fair that children have to worry about adults!
My daughter had a free range bike incident herself. Her and her friend were given permission for the first time to ride their bikes the one mile down (an empty park road–no city mind you). It was spring at the end of 6th grade…so they weren’t young things. A neighbor came flying by them in her truck. the girls yelled, hey, slow down. Well the lady not only slowed, she put the truck in reverse, slammed on her brakes and jumped out of the truck yelling at the girls. Then she grabbed my daughters bike, (which she had dropped out of fear and ran behind a tree) and proceeded to throw it into her truck to disappear with it forever!
We never found the bike and my daughter never had a desire to go to school on her own again. It’s sad. I’m not sure which of us was more disappointed…her in her failed ‘free range’ moment or us that we couldn’t have been there to do something about it.
Well, we moved away from that neighborhood this summer…finally. Now my girls have free range of our apartment complex. They even have permission, with their cell phones with them, two ride in pairs to the grocery store a mile down the road!
I would look into the karate classes, not so he know’s how to fight but so he can learn to block punches and kicks from others and hopefully learn how to stop a fight before it even starts.
I am soo very sorry this happened to your son! I too worry about bullies etc.. my husband and i have talked about our kids taking a self defence class as well,in order to raise their self confidence levels, learn to defend themselves and learn about respect.
What age do you think is a good age to start? My now 5 year old has been picked on as well and he lets the kids do that..yet later he told me that he did not care about them being mean , he wanted to play with them ( older kids, he though they were cool)..i was there, finally stepped in, yet i did allow him the space & gave him a chance to react/stand up for himself.
And yes, please file a police report,
Thank you for this article!!
Eva.
Oops, i just noted the date..you posted this 2 years ago..sorry!
I consider myself a helicopter parent of free range children which basically means I work hard knowing when to hover and when to give them some space….
I agree Tiffany. Some parents are just lazy and negligent. It is my duty to make sure my child isn’t creating a nuisance or danger to others. That does not mean I micromanage their playground experience. But kids can and will be rude, cruel, etc… even good kids. That’s why they have parents, to guide their behavior.