Do You Teach Your Kids to Share?

I’ve always disliked making kids share – and agree with you, adults don’t share everything, so why make kids! And sharing can be hard depending on how much you care about whatever you have.

Cooperation is different as are community toys – and a snorkel, um, no! LOL

I thought I was teaching my children to share but after reading your thoughts on sharing, I don’t think I’m teaching them that at all.

They each have their own toys that no one can play with unless they have permission. The legos are free for all unless something has been built and then only that person can play with it or take it apart.

I tell my kids that sharing is a hard concept to learn and even as an adult I don’t like to share nor do I always share.

So far my kids aren’t selfish and have been doing well in school. They also know that what’s theirs is theirs. It’s up to them whether the siblings or neighbors can play with it. Also, if other kids are at my house and they are playing with something I know will upset one of my children I tell the kid to leave it alone.

Great post…very thought provoking. It will make for an interesting discussion with my husband later.

Our household is run on the basis that God has given us everything that we have, so in essence it is His. What would he have us do with it? Well, certainly not keep it all to ourselves. He wants us to use our things, our time, and our talents for good, to help others, and to make other people’s lives better. After all, in the end, it is just “stuff.” People are what is most important (after God).

When my daughter was very little I read some where that in order to be comfortable with sharing children first had to be comfortable with ownership. That only after they felt something was really theirs and they controlled it and could say no would they feel safe giving it to someone else. Because then they knew it was coming back. It advised that to force sharing before a child was ready would cause a rebound and make it harder.

I followed the advice and I think it really paid off. My 3 year old is incredibly generous and very good at sharing. It was explained to her but she wasn’t forced too. When she was ready she started doing it. Right now my biggest problem is excessive attempts to share with her 2 week old sister.

Is it good to not teach our children about sharing? Hmmm? We have to share our Planet with one another but we still have private spaces and shared spaces. We have to share our natural resources. They don’t all belong to one person or group. Sharing has many meanings but the important meaning behind sharing is this: To participate in, use, enjoy, or experience jointly or in turns.

When you teach your children to share you aren’t necessarily teaching them to let their best friend have something of theirs but perhaps to give that person a turn and let them experience what they experience. Just like everything in life, the line is jagged and children and adults alike learn what should be shared, what can be shared and what is most comfortable to share.

When I taught preschool children were very new to “sharing” and that is normal. Except we share the toys in our classroom because they belong to everyone. We share the crayons and the dolls. If Sally is playing with a doll this doesn’t not mean she has to give it to Josie just because Josie asks. It means when Sally is done she should share her experience with Josie and give Josie a turn. I did not do timers. Children know when they are ready to be done playing with something. Sharing space is another issue and many children like personal space. To help with this I used hula hoops. If a child was building something that was their space and they did not have to share that space and other could not come into that space.

Just some ideas and my opinion. I do teach sharing in my home but the same way I taught it when I taught preschool and the sameway I view sharing for myself as an adult. If something means a lot to me it is in a place not shared with others, my private space. If it is in our community family room it is for everyone to use and take turns enjoying.

Kids will learn to share experiences or public spaces by seeing it modeled for them. Like at the zoo if we are standing in front of the otter window…after a few minutes I will gently suggest we move on so others get a chance to see or I will point out to them that some kids behind us would really like to see the otters and I start moving away and they follow my lead.

As far as in a school setting…so far my kids have had zero problems with sharing there because of our work on establishing cooperation on “community property”. I think kids will learn about basic sharing of resources that belong to all of us by seeing it modeled and forced sharing of your personal resources is not something I want them to learn at all.

We learned sharing early here. With two at the same age, something had to be done. At this age they don’t listen but if one takes the toy out of the others hand the first person gets the toy back. The second person gets a different toy. The girls have learned that if they really want a toy then to wait for the other to get bored and drop the toy. I think this is a scheme I plan to continue as they get older.

With twins it would be much harder…especially if you can’t afford to buy two of everything!

I’m totally with you. I’ve even used the same example as you – I don’t share my car or my new clothes with people, so I don’t expect you to share everything you have, either.

I’m especially bothered with birthday present forced sharing. My child just got a brand new toy, and others feel entitled to have a go at it because SHE HAS TO SHARE! Screw you! No she doesn’t. It’s her toy, and if she would like to give you an opportunity to use it, she will. Otherwise, back off.

Of course there are many things in life that have to be shared. My point (and yours too, I think) is that not everything has to be shared, and it’s totally unfair not to present it that way to children.

Tiffany I agree. I do not force my children to share certain things of theirs. Their toys that were given to them as individuals are theirs.

I understand where Stacy above is coming from, but God doesn’t expect us to share everything. Does she share her husband?

Community stuff is different. As in the case of art materials I buy for all the kids, Legos, blocks, etc… different rules exist.

But yeah I agree about the double standard. How would we feel as adults if an authority forced us to share our stuff?

Carrie, I do have to share my husband. I have to share his time and his talents with other people. He is not “mine.” It would not be fair to him or God to be so stingy with him. As for other things, (as what you are getting at), that is also not my choice. My husband actually gets to decide that for himself, but God does have rules to follow about that to, too! I don’t necessarily physically make my children share, either. I don’t expect them to be perfect. I just try to teach them what God wants us to do.

I’ve always been put off by the sharing mandate. I don’t let friends use my computer or guitar – we seem to think that our toys are more “important” than our kid’s toys, which totally devalues them and the value they place on things. I think it’s backwards, unfair, and actually teaches them the opposite of what we want to teach them – that they should not place worth on things. I agree whole-heartedly – we should teach cooperation, not forced sharing.

I really liked your post but the idea of not teaching children to share made me feel very uncomfortable.

This world is full of selfish and conceited people, who only focus on their own material well-being at the (direct or indirect) expense of others. I know from a highly developed country, such as the US, this is difficult to appreciate, but from the perspective of a country where almost 60% of people live below or near the poverty line, this is very real.

In my personal opinion, teaching children to share is the first step to raising self-aware, generous and compassionate adults, who have the capacity and the desire to change the world. Rather than looking at it as a double-standard, perhaps you should see your own actions as setting a good example. In our household and community, sharing things with others and helping them out – materially or by giving them your time – is very common and I sincerely hope my daughter grows up in that spirit…

Children are children – they are not adults in small bodies. They can understand everything if put to them in the right language, but they do not have the same emotional maturity as you do. So while you can make a conscious decision not to share and you are able to settle that with your own value system, they cannot as their value system is only just developing. If you give them the chance (or encourage them) now to be selfish and materialistic, you can only expect them to be like that as adults. Maybe in terms of material goods this does not matter so much, but what happens when they apply the same lessons to environmental protection?

Again, you wrote a very thought-provoking piece, but it made me scared for the future of our planet…

I wholly disagree with the majority of the ladies here today. Sharing is about more than an object of desire. It’s a life skill, one of the earliest, that teaches give and take and cooperation. Next children should be exposed to empathy and kindness… but not necessarily in that order.
Our twins just started kindergarten and I am amazed by the children who lack basic manners and thoughtfulness in their classroom.
Perhaps sharing a snorkel is too much, a little like sharing a toothbrush, but they did share their pool with your children it would have been reasonable to expect your children to share a pool toy that they brought over.
When did it happen that it became “ok” to encourage selfishness in our children? Not all that applies to adults applies to children. As Gee said, it was a thought provoking post but it was a very sad one too.

When I was young, my mom raised all 5 of us on very little money and we moved too much. We each had one or two special items(usually stuffed “bedtime” toys) that ment a lot to us, and the rest of the toys in the house were comunity property. That means no one could take our special toys without our permission, and while an item was in use it could not be forcably taken from the user.

We all learned to get along and we all learned to share. My favorite memory is from when I was 10 and my 8 year old brother offered his stuffed dinosaur “Monclious” to my little sister because she was sick and he decided she needed the company more than him.

It’s not enforced sharing of all items that makes good people, it’s the meaning behind the rules as understood by the children.

Whew. You just made me feel soooo much better! LOL

I hate the “you must share” mantra. I do want to teach my son to cooperate and be generous and “share” what he has with the world, BUT making a 2 year old share his toys is just stupid. Not to mention he is not developmentally ready to understand the concept. In order to learn generosity, children first have to learn ownership.
Forced “sharing” is not really true sharing in my opinion.

Gee and Mrsgarageflower,

I think you are missing a big piece of the puzzle here. I am simply allowing my children the same rights I have…to protect their property and not make it subject to forced sharing. Selfishness, materialism, and ecological respect I don’t see as even being remotely similar to allowing people to comandeer your possessions.

As I stated they do have to share or cooperate when the items or resources that belong to everyone. I encourage them to be senstive to what others need and want and I do that mostly by modeling it for them. Ecological concerns are not concerns in this family…we talk almost daily about our impact and how we need to do with less so that everyone benefits in the long run.

I don’t teach my kids to be greedy and selfish and that was not at all what this post was about. If your homeowner’s assocation announced that everyone in the area would have to enter into a non-negotiable sharing agreement where everyone shared property, tools, food, electronics, clothes, etc. Would that be okay with you? Would it be okay for someone to come to your house and swipe your TV and say “My Turn”. Or at church if someone asked you to hand over your purse so they could have their turn?

Tiffany here’s the first post where I feel I disagree with you (which is odd because your opinions are so right on for me!). I was raised as a slightly spoiled child and had a natural inclination not to share when I was young. I would get goosebumps if someone approached my “things,” and it wasn’t healthy.

Kids in our neighborhood all had their own things and that attitude of mine seem to fit right in.

But I eventually attended a really wonderful Catholic school (not sure if the faith-based component had anything to do with it) where the children in my class felt like family and where I felt for the first time embarrassed by my inclination not to share.

I’m not saying kids should be forced to share but it’s good to talk about what we mean by sharing and what we get out of it. My kids use to enjoy allowing other kids to play with their toys especially when they were guests in our home. It makes the other person feel like you acknowledge and value them enough to let them play with your “things.” Just as you respect them by giving them the privilege of playing with your things, so too you also expect that they respect your things.

I’m not advocating allowing your kids to be doormats, but to guard against sharing to me seems unnecessary.

Sharing “things” can be part of relationship building and I don’t think it has to be mandated (or you miss the point) it should just be something you want to do, naturally.

I appreciate what everyone is saying. I just don’t agree. I don’t ever want my children to value an object, even a treasured one (this week it’s one thing and next week it could be another) over the feelings of a friend. I believe that teaching a child to share is an opportunity to take a moment of panic (on their part) and show them how wonderful it can feel to make someone else happy. I am not talking about giving away all their toys to anyone who asks. But when my children invite guests over to play, those guests are treated with kindness and generosity… just as I hope my own children are treated when they visit.

I don’t place the same value on my purse as my child’s doll. And my daughter, if she had adult reasoning abilities, wouldn’t either. Her favorite toy in the whole world changes from day to day or even moment to moment. And while she may be passionate about it right now, by not emphasizing that it is so important to her I hope to negate some of the materialism. I am sad when I think that a child would think it was alright to risk hurting another’s feelings b/c in their house that is ok to do so.

Our twins are b/g, so we have boy toys and girl toys. Occasionally there is a melt down b/c our daughter has a fire truck and it belongs to our son and he wants it… or reverse the situation. It does happen. We ask our son if he thinks his sister is enjoying the firetruck, he says yes and we ask him if he can allow his sister to play with it a bit longer. We remind him that it is his and he can play with it all the time. This has also worked when we have had play dates over. I am never surprised that two always want the same costume, we take turns giving our guest the first turn with the costume or the toy.

We can agree to disagree on this.

Thought-provoking post! I’m an only child and therefore never had to share with siblings which may be why I’m a bit protective of my “things” today. I will share certain items, but not all, and I almost NEVER ask to borrow anything from friends. It just goes against my grain!

Thanks for making me feel like I’m not the only one. :-)

I agree with Sharon’s post.
I don’t quite understand the parallel between a child sharing their toy & an adult sharing their purse ?
I see your point in a way, but it is more important to me that my children learn “to share” than it is to “to protect” a possession.

It has nothing to do with learning to protect possessions. It is about affording kids the right to say no to confiscation of their property through FORCED sharing. Most adults would not be on board with confiscation of property but kids are not afforded the same courtesy. I find that sad.

Parents can still teach compassion, cooperation, and generosity without manipulating their behavior. I don’t believe you teach a child share with a joyful heart by forcing them to do it when they are young.

Hi! I am new to this site and I am excited to have found it. I teach sharing in my house. Often in the middle of a “share with your sister” moment I feel awkward and as if I am not really teaching. Yet, I haven’t taken the time to find a better way. This post really hit home and has kicked me into gear. Thanks for the very well thought out ideas.

Hi Tiffany, It seems your post has really triggered a reaction.

In my opinion, the words ‘forced’ and ‘sharing’ do not go together. Sharing is a voluntary act which you can encourage your child to do. But by taking a toy out of his/her hand and passing it to another kid, you are simply infringing on his/her space. And what have you achieved with that…?

For me the idea of sharing entails making other children feel welcome in my home, as I would expect them to do with my child in their home. In a practical sense, this means either asking my child to show the other kid what she has and thus encouraging them to peacefully ‘share’ the same toy OR by giving each child similar toys to play with.

I don’t see how this is a double-standard: I share ‘my toys’ with my guests! They can watch my tv, they can look at my photo album, they can touch my plants, they can play my guitar, etc… It does not mean that they are going to walk out of the house with any of those things, it means we enjoy the use of these objects together.

What I find important is to make children understand that things are just things. Yes, they should be good to them and treat them with respect, but ultimately they are just objects which will come and go from their lives. In 5 years, your kid is probably not going to remember his Huffy Green Machine, his John Deere truck, his DS, but the kid who felt excluded and unpleasant in your house because of lack of sharing might…

You can indeed teach children compassion, cooperation and generosity in many ways, but I don’t believe in confining these qualities only to some aspects of life. While they are children, they are simply following rules according to your categories of when they should share and when it is ok not to… but when they get older, your lessons will form the corner stones of their value system and those boundaries might take very different forms.

Gee

Hi Tiffany,

It’s such a fine line and I totally understand what you’re saying. It’s not a good idea to teach children that it’s ok for a child to take their belongings under the guise of sharing. Nor do I believe that it is OK for children to be brought up expecting that what’s theirs is theirs and they never have to share if they do not want to.

We have some very good friends who have a different family policy to us- we are a ‘share most things household’ and they are a ‘share if you want to’ household. This translates to my daughter (3yrs) not being allowed to play with anything in her friend’s very large collection of toys! This results in the child getting aggressive if my daughter asks to play with one of HER things and my daughter leaving sad and confused. Playdates at our house are fine, as Ava has learned to share most of her toys and if there is something she does not want to share, it is not played with in front of guests. Period.

Of course it all changes and becomes age appropriate;

toddlers (in my opinion) should learn the meaning

older children should know how to but not with everything, for instance mask and snorkel (yuck!)

adults, well if it’s not obvious what is appropriate sharing practice by this point you’ve probably not made very many friends in life!

Thanks for the thought provoking post!

I mostly agree with Tiffany. I work in childcare and more often than not, one child will be quietly playing with a toy and another one will come up and take it away. When I ask why they took the toy away they usually whine and say “SHES NOT SHARING”. I tell them “well, she was playing with it first. When she is finished, you can have your turn”. Sharing doesn’t mean a child has to automatically relinquish their playing time with the toy at the whim of another child. Likewise, when a child brings a toy from home to play with, I don’t expect them to let the others play with it. It’s their toy and they brought it to play with. If a child complains I just tell them that its not a community toy and that they don’t have to share it. I think Tiffany isn’t saying that sharing is bad, but rather what our culture has made it to be.

Thanks Sarah, yes this is exactly the problem I have with sharing. I think our society has used it to give kids a sense of entitlement. Kids think they “deserve” to get to use other people’s things because they were taught to “share”.

Gee, actually my son decided on his own to share his Huffy Green Machine, his John Deere truck, his DS, even though I have made it clear he does not have to. One of these items in particular he would rather not share because it is not likley to survive a bunch of innapropriate use and rough housing but like I said in the post…he is blackmailed by his friend…if you don’t share I will never be your friend again. If any kids turns out greedy…I am sorry but I don’t see it being mine.The sharing mandate is being used as weapon or a tool to get what you want even when it doesn’t belong to you.

My son let his frind use his Huffy the other day and loaned his bike to another friend and they proceeded to crash into each other and did some damage to both vehicles. My son was distraught because he knows that these items won’t be replaced if they are mangled by misuse but yet feels helpless on how to defend himself against this sharing indoctrination.

So the lessons my son has learned about sharing from me are pretty positive I think but the lessons he is learning from other kids whose parents enforce sharing rules is not so positive. In fact he sees how they are using sharing as a tool to take advantage of him and confiscate property that isn’t theirs. He would never dream of doing that to them…no I am happy with the young man he is growing up to be despite forced sharing rules. He generously invites friends over and allows them to play with pretty much anything they want even though he doesn’t have to. He bakes cupcakes to bring to the elderly couple next door and just yesterday he asked for boxes so he could Freecycle some of his toys to kids who don’t have any….. see what you can accomplish when you model generosity instead of enforce it? That is my point really.

very thought provoking, made me think of how i will raise my child from this point on, as she is only 14 months and will, due to health complications on my part, be an only child unless someday, god willing, we can afford to adopt.

i do not think that children should be held to the same standards as adults, because they are not adults. they are children. but it is also a HUGE thing to me, to teach a kid to be able to say NO and not feel ‘pushed’ into saying yes, or to be a people pleaser.

i think this comes from the fact that i myself am a perpetual people pleaser, which i absolutely despise! i don’t know where i was taught it but i do NOT want my daughter to EVER feel she has to do something she does not want to, purely to keep another person happy.

this really gets me thinking, how can i teach her without having other kids around? i try to teach her with myself and daddy, her teenage aunts and her grandparents, etc, but i hope i do it right! lol we’ll see how she turns out!!!

also, i’d love to know how you handled the neighbor’s dad. :) gross me dead. i couldn’t keep my mouth shut in that situation.

LOL, Amanda. I just told him that Payton will not be sharing anything that goes in the mouth from now on and I would appreciate his cooperation with that.

I like your explanation here Tiffany.

I want to thank everyone for keeping it civil and having a spirited conversation here! I usually lose interest in comment strings when they get rude and personal, but I read every comment here!

Well, written Carrie. I think that you have summed it up perfectly!

For those bringing up that God wants us to teach our kids to share, I agree. However the scriptures say God loves a CHEERFUL giver. Coercing them, forcing them to share does NOT product a CHEERFUL giver.

As adults we can weigh things and make decisions to share. We do so because of the benefits we see.

Our job is to teach our kids by example and by words that sharing is good, that it has many benefits. They won’t learn that by FORCE, but by love and example.

When I give to charitable organizations, with my time or money, and I do this on a weekly basis – noone is FORCING me. It’s my own choice.

Again – sharing is good, but we won’t teach our kids to share by making them resent it.

Great post! I have never been very good at navigating the social rules of playdates when the kids start fighting over toys. You don’t want to be the one whose kid is considered a brat, but, man, I can feel their pain! Let go of my stuff! On the other hand, I hate to go to someone else’s house and their kid won’t let my kid touch anything. What’s the point? I think maybe socializing toddlers this way is overrated. Yes, they need to know how to get along with others, but how?

Tiffany! I finally remembered to add your blog to my reader. LOL (Barb from NWAHMs here…).

I *love* this post and am very much like you with regards to parenting. I’ve got so many thoughts running around in my head with regards to experiences we’ve had with kids and sharing, but suffice it to say that I came to the conclusion that my kids don’t need to share their stuff if they don’t want to in the same way that you did.

However, if they don’t want to share a toy, they can’t flaunt it, either, and if they want to play with others without sharing it, it needs to be put away.

:D

I agree with what your saying. Tho I personally feel the need to use the ol sharing standard. But I love your points. I usually tell my kids that when friends are coming over they can put the things they don’t feel like sharing in our back room. I wouldn’t expect my 3 year old to share her beloved baby doll if she doesn’t feel like watching another little friend bash it around and carry it by the arm. Some days she goes crazy putting all her fav toys away in the room. But other times she wants to share everything.

My nine year old daughter understands the value of generousity… this is what we have roll modeled as parents. Her things are hers and if she wants to lend (aka share) she knows that she may not get them back the way they were given (or get them back at all). She knows this and makes choices accordingly. As early as 2 she was always allowed to put a few special items in her closet before having a friend over to play in her room. In this way I acknowledged her independent ability to make these decisions and “protect” what was most important to her, but allowed her the opportunity to enjoy the rest of the toys with another child. She is a very giving person… and this is what I want to teach her, primarily through role modeling. AND yes, I have lent out my car (with the hope, but not the expectation, that it would come back in one piece).

I love your philosophy! The distinction you make between “sharing” and “cooperation” is very important. Like so many things in this world, the concept of sharing has been morphed into something very self-centered. Cooperation, on the other hand, maintains its community focus – which is what we should all be teaching our children.

True, it’s probably a bit more difficult for both you and your children to teach/learn in this way but much more rewarding in the end!

I make C share at this point but he is only 7 months, I want him to understand the concept but once that is grabbed and he is older I am with you it is up to him if he wants to share something.

I have two very different children. My oldest is high energy, not a huge snuggler, shares well, very bright in the brains department. He is 7. My youngest has some developmental problems, high energy, easily frustrated, and always has one particular toy in his hand (even takes baths with him, a necessity after being wagged around all day) I do not force my children to share. It is an option, but not a demand here. I am an adult, I do not share everything. Heck, half the stuff I loan out doesnt even make it back home half the time, unless I go out of my way to get it back. No deity gave me my car, house, and possessions. I earned them myself and have every right to choose weather or not to loan them to others. I work hard for what few things I do have, am frugal so I dont have a lot of extras in the first place. Kids are not entitled to what another child has. They may ask, it may happen or it may not. My children are very generous, they feel secure that what is theirs is safe. My son opted for less holiday gifts this year so we could donate a couple of presents to those much more needy than ourselves. They are both very good boys and we also use positive discipline in our house. No spanking, smacks, or yelling. They are learning self control, problem solving, and that actions have a reaction. Both look out for each other. Im not saying life is perfect, we all have our days, but it works well for us. I am a liberal minded parent, in so many ways besides discipline. I had to work hard to get here, I was an abused child,no good example. I did know that I didnt want to ever hurt my children like I was hurt. Belittles, disrespected. We just dont do that here.